Cost of living

I've been very introspective lately. I'm not entirely sure why but I suspect it's a side-effect of the days getting shorter. There was a time when the winter solstice was one of my favourite days...but that is no longer the case now that I can step into the light boldly.

With Christmas coming soon, carols are in the air. That always makes me melancholy because one of the things I had to give up for this life was singing. Don't get me wrong, I can still sing but it...would cause problems for me. Those of you who know me well will know exactly what I'm talking about.

I've never had formal training in voice nor can I really afford to right now. I'm not sure my voice is salvageable, to be honest. However, I'm taking some steps privately to see if I can do anything about it. All I will ever be is a throaty contralto but I will take what I can get.

I love singing. One of my fondest memories from childhood was listening to my mother singing to the radio as she went about her daily household chores. I started singing when I was very young but due to parental opposition, I never had a chance to train properly. Still, I joined every choir I could and those were very pleasant times. There is a comforting anonymity being just yet another singer in a choir. I was never good enough to be a soloist - those parts went to people who had trained hard, as it should be. Of all forms of music, I love a capella pieces - those are the ones that I truly cherish. There is something indescribably beautiful about the human voice in full song that sends shivers down my spine and tears to my eyes.

My life since about two and a half years ago has been songless. I feel as though there is a void in my soul because of it. I gave it up because it was the right thing to do, survival-wise. Now, in my current state, I'm going to reclaim that part of my life. I might not succeed but the alternative is definite failure if I did not at least try.