Saturday, March 31, 2007

Values

My spouse and I had a spirited discussion this morning whereupon the accusation that I valued things more than people was levelled at me. The answer is a little complex: I was certainly guilty of it up to about two years ago but not anymore. Certainly once you toss the question of "which people and which things?", the answer becomes more complex; an extreme counterexample would be the fact that I would value my purse way more than the mugger trying to take it away from me. That's not the interesting bit though - after the discussion, I went away and thought about it some more and I realized that these days, there is something more than things and people that I value more.

I value ideas. I value truth. Usually but not always more than people or things. But as a rule of thumb, yes, the truth usually wins.

This is not an Epiphany. I have always valued truth above all else. It doesn't mean that I successfully discern the truth in all circumstances but when I do, I act upon it.

Valuing truth and acting upon it doesn't mean I'm going to be rigid about it. If the truth will hurt someone, I have to weigh the good of telling the truth versus the pain that it is going to inflict. Sometimes I tell the truth. Other times, I don't. Both are actions. Which led me to another discovery - the counterbalance to truth isn't un-truth, nor family nor any number of things. No, the counterbalance to truth is compassion.

In a roundabout way, this brings me to hint upon my next posting. I have decided to join the Union of Concerned Scientists even though I'm not American. This may not make me very popular in some circles. I don't view myself as an activist by any stretch of the imagination but we, all of us who believe in factual truth, have to decide when (not if) we have to take a stand for scientific integrity. For me, the time is now.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

An Uneventful Week

Some of you have asked, so I'm making a short post to address how my week has been - thank you for your concern. My first week at work in my new role has gone by rather quickly. It's been a comfortingly uneventful week. I'm still being invited out for lunches with the usual folks, which was something that was in doubt given the radical change in circumstances. All in all, I'd say the most of the staff has been quite mature and supportive, which was what I had mostly expected. I work with good people and a good company, something I'm quite grateful for.

I did have several disturbing conversations with some co-workers and former co-workers this week when we bumped into each other electronically over IM. They know about my Condition but are focusing on the more sensationalist aspects of it. That in of itself isn't surprising but what is surprising and disappointing about it are the people who inquired down that line of convesation - these are (were?) the people I have had very good, cerebral conversations with in the past and whose opinions I valued and respected. I guess simply because you're smart doesn't mean you aren't crude.

*sigh* I would have thought I had outgrown the naive phase by now but I guess not.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Pyres in the Dark

Regular visitors here will notice two things about my last few entries:
1. They're rambling and disjointed
2. They speak directly about the unpleasant breakup of a marriage

No, I am not in the habit of airing dirty laundry in public. I don't think I really am, either - there's not a lot of details posted and that is deliberate.

So why bother posting at all?

My Ex's granduncle was aircrew during the Second World War. He perished when his bomber went down somewhere over occupied Europe during a raid, may his soul rest in peace. It's not something I read up much on but I do remember reading that during large nighttime bombing missions, getting home was easier than getting to the target. No, it's not because the enemy has slacken its resolve; it's because you can always find your way back by following the funeral pyres of bombers that have been shot down on the way there. Their deaths light the way home for their comrades.

Divorce or separation is not something that's pleasant to think about. Most of us don't look at it while we're married. I certainly didn't. But when things go to pieces, they go to pieces *fast* as I regrettably found out first-hand. I'm not advocating that you go out, consult a lawyer and find out everything you can about divorcing your spouse - that can and will be rightly taken as a hostile act, a precursor to the real thing.

No, what I'm trying to convey here is quite simple: enjoy who you're with for as long as you can, preferably up to the "till Death do us part" point. My breakup has been a series of bright flares as parts of my heart disappeared under a barrage of attacks I never saw coming. There is regret too; I'm definitely not blameless here. But you know what's the toughest part? Once the dust settles, there is...nothing. I have no realistic hope of ever being in a loving marriage ever again; the best I can hope for is a quiet retirement alone. My spouse was my first love...and will be my last too.

Cherish your partner. Hold him/her, tell them you love them. Every day.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The Clouds Part...Slightly

I assumed my new role in the office this past Monday. Things went smoother than expected, with only one person in the office being distinctly uncomfortable. It's quite funny - he can't meet my eye straight on. He can only look at me with furtive glances when he thinks I'm not looking. I'd be feeling some amount of pity for him were it not for the fact that I know exactly what kind of person he is.

On the home front, my soon-to-be Ex and I are returning to a somewhat normal life. Things are still strained but definitely not as bad as before. We're still tiptoing around each other and some parts of our lives are still smoking, glowing craters from the emotional equivalent of a nuclear exchange that happened over the past month. It will be a long time healing for either of us. But the clouds are parting, so to say. We are civil in most things now, which makes life a lot easier to bear. Not quite sure where it will go but there is a cease-fire in effect for now.

Yes, I know I'm using very war-like terminology here. If it comes down to it (and I hope it doesn't given we both prefer alternatives), the sad reality is that divorce *is* war.

After the turmoil at home, my sis is starting to emerge from whichever desk she's been hiding under, doing the duck-and-cover during the recent war at home. It's good to see her again; I've missed her terribly. We're not as close as before but it is my hope that things will get better.

As for that, things *are* getting better. It's different when you have turmoil at work - you can always leave it behind in the office. At worst, you lose a job. When you have serious fights at home, and you can't get any more serious than a potential separation or divorce, there is nowhere to go. I've managed to cope so far by mentally separating the people I love from whichever role they have assumed that causes me pain. I believe that everyone is intrinsically good, that circumstances cause them to go down paths that they don't necessarily want to go. I hate easily - that is a major flaw in my character. However, I've learnt that I could hate the person -OR- I could hate the role and/or the circumstances leading up to the hurt. Yes, I know this is all smoke and mirrors and ultimately amounts to nothing more than a cheap redirection. I don't care - this "cheap redirection" allows me to survive the disintegration of a marriage while keeping some semblance of love for those involved.

I don't intend to lose if this turns ugly. But it doesn't mean I have to succumb to hate in order to do so.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Smoking Crater

I am under the care of an endocrinologist as part of my treatment for my Condition. The last time I saw him, he doubled the dosage of one of my meds and sent me off to take a blood test in a couple of weeks. When I called him to check on the results as per his instructions, the following conversation happened:

Endo: "Looks like your meds are fine. Keep taking the higher dosage."
Me: "Okay."
Endo: "Umm...are you...maybe noticing some changes in your emotional control?"
Me: "Uh....YES?"
Endo: *chuckles* "Yeah...you'd better get used to it. It's going to take about 6 months to stabilize."
Me: ??!

It turns out that my new dosage causes two things: lower levels of emotional control and significantly higher levels of aggression.

Fun. Exactly what I need during separation proceedings with my soon-to-be-Ex.

I went to a local support group meeting for patients with my Condition. There is even a name for this - it's called the Cliff. People either fall off the Cliff (i.e. enter a deep depression) or they smack into the Cliff (which is what happened to me).

I made a big big smoking crater in my marriage during the past two weeks. Looking back, it was only a matter of time; my future-Ex agreed with my observation that we simply weren't right for each other and that our marriage would fail regardless.
It's a hard thing to swallow, that you're not compatible with someone you love dearly. I still love my spouse; a part of me always will. This is despite the unloving words I said in the heat of the argument. But right now, I need to heal and so does my spouse. I need to regain my independence whilst maintaining my care and affection for my family (and yes, Exs are still family as we have the children in common).

I have come to the conclusion (which my spouse agrees) that all I could have done was delay the inevitable; that had I not acted, my spouse would have eventually brought us to this same point albeit via a different route. I used the analogy of a burning airplane for our marriage. We lost the first engine way back when we were in California and progressively lost the other ones. The last engine sputtered out a year and a half ago, when my Condition (and it's radical treatment plan) came to light. My spouse and I agree: the plane was doomed to go down regardless and all we could do was pick where and how. I've thought about this a lot lately.

I think it is very sad that the thing my spouse and I agreed on without argument is the fact that we're not right for each other and that our marriage would have never worked.

As I mentioned to one of my doctors and my spouse, I understand that I have impacted the Cliff at high speed lately. However, I *cannot* in good conscience use that as an excuse. My actions are those of my own, as are the consequences, regardless of my treatment plan. I regret the heat, the pain and the unloving words said in the past few weeks. I regret hastening the disintegration of our marriage. But I do not regret going down this path - to not have done so would have been to live a lie.

Darn it, I think the meds are also making it very hard for me to cry. I haven't been able to do so since the meds kicked in three weeks ago. I desperately need a good crying session. :(

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Ricocheting off the bottom

I'd like to thank all of you who have expressed their love, support and understanding over the last 24 hours. The experience has been...humbling. I had written the last posting because this blog ties me into the lives of my friends who read it; I also had to project the issue out of me or else I shall explode. I was not expecting this huge tidal wave of support from my friends. Thank you all - you have made it possible to get through the past day.

We have sought some professional help and had a session tonight. Our current relationship is unsalvageable in its present form and we have mutually decided to end it fairly, the details of which I will not go into. Suffice to say that the innocents will be spared from the negativity as much as possible (thank goodness). After this last month, I'm more relieved than anything else that it's finally ending. I believe this is best for all concerned. A part of me knows I'll grieve the loss later when I'm less numb and hurt.

Where we go from there...I don't know. It's complicated but we have both agreed to start over and rebuild our relationship from the ground up, reflecting our changing roles and needs. I hope we move somewhere positive with this and with more love and understanding towards each other than what we had. Before anything else though, I'm going to take some time to heal first. I think I'll start by going upstairs and watch my sleeping children for a bit, to remind myself of what is truly important. Have yourselves a good and pleasant night.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Strife and Healing

I am in the middle of a month-long argument with someone very dear to me. Unfortunately, from my point of view the dispute involves Love and Trust, two non-negotiable principles for me. As I understand it, her point of view involves a very different kind of Love and her Career, two non-negotiable principles for her.

There is a point in every relationship when the love runs out. For me, that has happened out of self-defence. You can't keep loving someone when it hurts you so badly and that person shuts you out of the matters that hurt you so much by not even making a discernable effort at communicating. I say discernable because I am fully aware that I am not blameless; any relationship failure takes the sins of both parties to happen.

I fear that our relationship has come to an abrupt end and the fallout will take its toll on us and innocents alike for years. We both knew it was a matter of time. I wished that it happened later so that it didn't cause hurt to innocents.

My biggest mistake was not dealing with this head-on sooner. I hate the situation we're in and I hate the events leading up to it. I don't hate the person but it's only a matter of time before I do that too unless if some healing happens, for both sides.

I was faced with a Hobson's Choice: I could either compromise my core values or lose this relationship. I chose the former; no other person is worth losing one's soul over.

For what it's worth, I do wish the other party all the best. I hope she finds love and happiness in what she does and that's an honest hope. I don't think she understands this but I do regret the hurt I've caused her. We've both been hurt enough; it would be good if we started over afresh and healed together. Failing that, we heal separately. The main thing is that we heal.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Fondue!

I'm in a fondue phase right now. I just bought a discounted fondue kit from the local Co-op grocery store and some premixed containers of cheese and chocolate fondues.

We tried out the chocolate fondue last night. I was unjustly accused of having a pyromaniacal streak during the lighting of the candle to heat the pot; I would like to point out to those who have oh-so-ever cruelly wronged me that the idea to light it using the brulee torch was NOT my suggestion. As my TRUE friends know, I'm all Sweetness and Light (tm) now. So there! ;-)

The chocolate fondue was quite tasty with fruits and some cut-up pound cake Then I added some brandy because a co-worker had mentioned that it made the chocolate much smoother. Well...it went the opposite way and we ended up with hot chocolate fudge icing which was very difficult to dip using fruit bits. It brought a natural end to the fondue thing, although I suspect I won't be allowed to forget my accidental chocolate-to-fudge-icing transformation for a long time to come, given how much of a pretentious foodie I am. :-P

We're going to try the cheese icing...I mean fondue tonight with the kids. My sis probably won't let me get anywhere near the pot with anything liquidish after last night. *sigh* Food's no fun if you can't experiment.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

The Pet Blues

I lost a lot of childhood memories after a head injury from a skiing accident over decade ago and it wasn't until very recently that I started trying to remember my early years. A good friend of mine (see Inn of the Wandering Dragon) was blogging about a turtle she has at her office, which triggered a rare memory from my childhood.

I used to have a couple of turtles as pets. I've always liked aquatic animals and my Mom bought me a turtle when I was probably around 10 to 12 years old. He lived in a shallow tub which I cleaned every other day and some rocks to perch on. When we bought him (my Mom called it a "he" but I don't know what gender it was), he was only about an inch in diameter shell-wise. He grew into a fairly large turtle, about 3" - 4". He also had a companion turtle in the tub but he never grew to be as big as "my" turtle.

I don't think I ever gave him a name. I used to pick him up after returning from school and stroked his head gently with my finger. He seemed to like it and stuck his head out to ridiculous lengths whenever I did that. He would come only to me; if my Mom or Dad showed up, he'd hide underneath the rocks with the other turtle.

We ended up setting him loose at my Dad's insistence. So we released him into the stream near our house; my Dad wrote some religious symbols (a curse?) on the bottom of his shell so that other people wouldn't try to eat him when they caught him - I grew up in a Third World country where turtles (or any animals) get eaten due to scarcity of food. Much to my regret, we never did get another turtle after that.

I also had a fish tank with angelfish when I was around 16 years old, about 5 of them. I used to stare at the fish for hours on end; to this day, only two things, stargazing and watching my kids sleep can give me the same feeling of peace and contentment. The odd thing was, the angelfish recognized me. When I come near the fish tank, they'd all flock to the front, peering at me with their fishy eyes. It didn't work when other people came - they all flitted away to hide behind the weeds.

According to my Mom, one week after I left for Canada, all my fish committed suicide by jumping out of the tank at night. I'm not sure what happened - maybe the water pump failed or something. My Mom insists that they did that because they missed me. I'm not sure I can face that if it were true.

I've never been a dog or cat person but I've always been able to "connect" with fishy/aquatic pets. I'm not sure why I'm blogging this. I guess I'm feeling awfully lonely these days despite being surrounded by people. I love my family but the relationship we have with our pets is a very different one that is equally as precious. I really really do want to have a pet, perhaps a turtle terrarium. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen anytime soon so all I have left are memories. Sometimes, that's all one ever has.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

One down, one to go

A few weeks ago, my Condition had progressed to the point where it was going to impact my work. Given my physical state, there was no way I could carry on in the same role at work. So, I had to inform my bosses, who didn't really know what to do. I had given it a lot of thought prior to talking to them and I had some ideas on how my role in the company would evolve. They took it under advisement and I didn't really hear much after that except when I queried my office admin about some of the HR changes needed.

Well, yesterday was the day that management and I had agreed on to tell the rest of the office staff about my Condition and the very different new role I would be transitioning to. My office is just a small satellite branch of the company so I decided to write personalized letters explaining my Condition and why it had to impact my position that radically. Most of my co-workers are also friends and I felt they deserved a personal explanation as opposed to just the official company announcement. The twenty or so letters took me about 6 hours but I did them all on Sunday night.

On Monday, I delivered the letters by hand to the staff a few minutes prior to the all-staff meeting. Everyone had a chance to read it and the meeting was mercifully uneventful; the general manager gave a talk expressing his understanding of my Condition and how I was going to be moving to a different role in the company (the reason for the recent shopping for a new wardrobe). The letter from the executives declaring their full support for my role transition was distributed. I talked for a couple of minutes and then opened the floor to questions. There were none and it was over. It had progressed as we had predicted; in this Internet age, even rare, odd ailments are taken in stride as one can always Google it to learn more about it.

Moving into the new role is a big change for me, the biggest I've ever had to do in my career. Big enough that my sis (bless her heart!) came by to lend her support to me in the meeting. Realistically, it's a step back; they can't lower my salary at my current company but I will be expecting to take a big pay cut should I choose to leave and work elsewhere. I don't really have a choice; my Condition isn't going to go away, ever. So in the long run, doing this lateral shift is my only option.

Afterwards, one of my worst rivals in the office came by and shook my hand, expressing his understanding and support for me. It was totally unexpected and quite touching. Several others came by too, all telling me they will support me in this. I have never felt love in the office and I still don't. The work culture just isn't fuzzy-huggy like that - the men outnumber the women 9-to-1. I was touched by the open acceptance and support by most of my co-workers though, something I had both expected and didn't, if you know what I mean.

Today, the staff in the US head office got told about my changing role and the reasons behind it. I also found out today that a colleague in my group down there has family who also suffers from the same Condition. Small world.

In a previous life, I would be feeling rather smug that everything went according to plan and patting my own back for being the wonderful genius planner that I was. Instead, I'm amazed, impressed and grateful at how accommodating the company was of my special needs, from the executives all the way down to my cubicle neighbours. Knock on wood, that support will continue when I actually assume my new role in two weeks. I guess the Condition does have a good side to it - it's reminded me of something I lost long ago in my mad rush for a good career; that most people are inherently good and won't kick you when you're down. It seems I have a long road ahead of me before I can reclaim my humanity.

Now that that's all over with, I can get on with my life, which currently involves a nasty head cold.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

New Wardrobe

Due to some recent changes in my life, a new wardrobe is in order. I've been slowly building it up over the last little while but I'm still quite a few pieces short. For example, I still don't have a business suit for job interviews nor a suitable dress for the wedding of a dear old friend in May.

I've never been fond of clothes shopping. In my younger years, I dressed to budget which usually meant I looked pretty awful. Old, close friends of mine will remember my then-amazing switch over to...gasp...jeans. Think about it, I just started wearing jeans not 10 years ago. Yes folks, a fashion trend-setter I most certainly am not.

My sis suggested watching "What Not to Wear" but it was more confusing than not. There were some basic principles but there are always exceptions to the rule. That's really fun and all, and I'm starting to appreciate the subtleties but way back when I was just starting out? It was heck to follow.

I did quite a bit of research and ended up with the classic book, "Color Me Beautiful" by Carole Jackson. It had a few pointers that made sense but by and large, I found I didn't really precisely fit into any of the categories. The book made allowances for that but it got murkier and I gave up on it. Don't get me wrong though - it's a good book and I heartily recommend it to any of my sistren still wandering lost in jeans-less land but I suspect I was the last refugee from there. I'll return later to finish reading the book, I'm sure.

So these days, I'm just winging it. You may laugh but I've got a mental chart of the jewellery, tops and other items I own so when I go shopping, I can mentally mix and match the yet-to-be-bought item to see if it has a place in my wardrobe. It's saved me a pretty penny. I also look good according to my sis, who is honest and occasionally brutal when passing fashion judgments.

But that was not always the case. I have a polka-dotted monstrosity in the depths of my closet to remind me of the hubris of thinking I can get away with things simply because I like a particular piece of clothing.

When it comes to shopping, I am in awe of my dear darling sister. She shops like a demon, darting in from one store to another at high speed, a blur of merciless efficiency. I don't shop at those speeds regardless of what my caffeine levels are. When my sister's Malldar (tm) is working at full capacity, she can hit every good clothing store in less time than it takes for me to finish a latte. I'm not going out shopping with my sis again at those demonic speeds until I get a good pair of comfy shoes. Correction: make that a good pair of comfy shoes that I'd be willing to fork out the cash for.

Today's shopping trip was quite successful. I got three nice tops for my wardrobe including a nice seafoam one that I don't look horrid in. I also didn't break the bank doing that which is definitely a bonus. That reminds me, if you'd excuse me, I have to see if the bank will lend me enough money to buy a particularly comfy Manolo Blahnik.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Play (Part 2)

I'm a trifle unhappy right now.

After playing Civ 4 through a single game for 4 hours straight, I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that playing nice really doesn't work too well. Yes, Jeannie - I know you could have told me that outright but there are some things I need to relearn for myself. I'm sure someone has managed to win playing nice but it appears to be beyond my ken right now. In the game, war is oftentimes the easiest course of action when you're a superpower; I find it sad and terrifying that this sometimes translates over to Real Life too, as we've all seen in the past few years. :-(

I don't usually recount the games I play - whenever someone does it, it's always sounded mildly hokey to me. Having said that, I can't really justify my previous paragraph without recounting one and besides, it's funny. Of course, I'm sleep-deprived and starving (I have a fasting blood test this morning) so it might be that it's funny to just me alone - your mileage will vary. I do promise it'll be the first and last Civ 4 game I recount though, so you're safe either way.

So I'm happily building my little English civilization, minding my own business when the Americans (the game picked that culture, so don't blame me!) showed up, traded for a few turns and then attempted to attack one of my new smaller cities. Not exactly the smartest thing to do when all you have are bowmen vs. my musketeers. who are fortified in the city to boot. So I had to stop building beautiful things like the Globe Theatre and ramp up my troop production. Fast forward a few turns and they lose Washington to me. It's all fun and games until someone loses their capital city, so they sue for peace. I accept.

Next thing I knew, the Romans had landed on my opposite shoreline and proceeded to attack my main port city there. I repel them with my Redcoats and destroy their transports with my frigates. I'm glad I got a little paranoid after the first attack and had increased my military presence there too. I mobilize troops from my eastern cities and ferry them across to where the Romans were, on an island. Whoo! I get to use terms like "military presence" and "mobilize" and sound just as goofy as the government-types on TV - see how personally enriching computer games can be? ;-) Again, after losing Rome they sue for peace. Pax Katherina reigns.

For a fair number of turns anyway. The Romans break their peace treaty shortly after the 10-turn agreement ends. I was expecting that and was trying to build the United Nations wonder before it happened, so that I could at least try for something other than a Conquest or Domination victory. Just as the last Roman city falls, the Americans attack my western borders without warning. It didn't last long though. I brought my carrier and transports out from where they were hiding offshore and ended the game rather swiftly. Mounted knights don't do very well against fighters and tanks.

*sigh* Why can't we all just get along?

Friday, March 2, 2007

Play

I'm tired, so this is going to be a short post.

I've stopped playing computer games for several years now. I used to be an avid gamer during my younger days, when I had more time. I figured out that gaming was ultimately unproductive as they were addictive, chewed up large amounts of my time and at the end of it, nothing tangible was achieved.

Or is it?

I recently purchased Civilization IV and I received it a couple of days ago. Since then, I've been playing it off and on. It's as fun as I remembered it. Due to some recent Epiphanies, I'm no longer going straight for the Conquest endgame where my hobnailed, jackbooted troops march across the map and trample all opposition. No, I'm trying to play *nice*.

I'm getting killed. The computer players now have their hobnailed, jackbooted troops at the gates of my capital. *sigh* I guess playing nice is a lot harder than I thought.

What? Oh right, tangible results from game-playing. Well, it's a subtle result, actually. I'm more alert, mentally sharper and significantly faster in problem-solving if I played computer games, even though I only started playing a couple of days ago. I guess I shouldn't be totally surprised since I vaguely remember reading about a study that gaming (or other such mental activity) helped stave away the effects of senility in older people.

Don't get me started about the whole "girls don't normally play computer games" bit. Given my history, I know I'm a bit of a special case but regardless, we do play and play quite well at that, thankyouverymuch.

I'm going to keep playing interesting games, I think. I've a little more self-control now so I shan't be playing to the wee hours of the night like before, not all the time at least. I've also got kids to feed, so that places a natural limit on how many games I can buy. All in all, as a mature gamer, I think I'm in a pretty good spot.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to wipe Napoleon's smile off his face with a little help from my Redcoat units. Even if they lose, I still think they show better fashion sense in their uniform colours than the French units, which is ultimately what matters since it affects what makes it into the history books. Bet you can't remember what the French soldiers wore back then. I rest my case. So there.