Smoking Crater

I am under the care of an endocrinologist as part of my treatment for my Condition. The last time I saw him, he doubled the dosage of one of my meds and sent me off to take a blood test in a couple of weeks. When I called him to check on the results as per his instructions, the following conversation happened:

Endo: "Looks like your meds are fine. Keep taking the higher dosage."
Me: "Okay."
Endo: "Umm...are you...maybe noticing some changes in your emotional control?"
Me: "Uh....YES?"
Endo: *chuckles* "Yeah...you'd better get used to it. It's going to take about 6 months to stabilize."
Me: ??!

It turns out that my new dosage causes two things: lower levels of emotional control and significantly higher levels of aggression.

Fun. Exactly what I need during separation proceedings with my soon-to-be-Ex.

I went to a local support group meeting for patients with my Condition. There is even a name for this - it's called the Cliff. People either fall off the Cliff (i.e. enter a deep depression) or they smack into the Cliff (which is what happened to me).

I made a big big smoking crater in my marriage during the past two weeks. Looking back, it was only a matter of time; my future-Ex agreed with my observation that we simply weren't right for each other and that our marriage would fail regardless.
It's a hard thing to swallow, that you're not compatible with someone you love dearly. I still love my spouse; a part of me always will. This is despite the unloving words I said in the heat of the argument. But right now, I need to heal and so does my spouse. I need to regain my independence whilst maintaining my care and affection for my family (and yes, Exs are still family as we have the children in common).

I have come to the conclusion (which my spouse agrees) that all I could have done was delay the inevitable; that had I not acted, my spouse would have eventually brought us to this same point albeit via a different route. I used the analogy of a burning airplane for our marriage. We lost the first engine way back when we were in California and progressively lost the other ones. The last engine sputtered out a year and a half ago, when my Condition (and it's radical treatment plan) came to light. My spouse and I agree: the plane was doomed to go down regardless and all we could do was pick where and how. I've thought about this a lot lately.

I think it is very sad that the thing my spouse and I agreed on without argument is the fact that we're not right for each other and that our marriage would have never worked.

As I mentioned to one of my doctors and my spouse, I understand that I have impacted the Cliff at high speed lately. However, I *cannot* in good conscience use that as an excuse. My actions are those of my own, as are the consequences, regardless of my treatment plan. I regret the heat, the pain and the unloving words said in the past few weeks. I regret hastening the disintegration of our marriage. But I do not regret going down this path - to not have done so would have been to live a lie.

Darn it, I think the meds are also making it very hard for me to cry. I haven't been able to do so since the meds kicked in three weeks ago. I desperately need a good crying session. :(