Identity Anchors

*** WARNING: Moody self-discovery entry follows. Liberal use of coffee to fend boredom may be needed. You have been duly warned. ***

I've been feeling adrift in life lately. I've tried to pull out of it by reasserting previous career goals but the world is still bland and gray. However, while driving home on Friday, I realized that this depressive mood has been around for some time now, months and possibly a year or so.

When I got my second chance at life, I made a decision to change a few things about me that I really didn't like, calling my harder edges if you like. In the intervening year and a bit, I've realized that there are some things about me that are core attributes, traits I simply can't eliminate no matter how hard I tried. Having a love for solving tactical and strategic puzzles is an example of something I shall never lose, despite the fact that it's less conformist given my current role. So is my love of science. You would not believe how many requests I get to go speak to various youth organizations about inspiring the young ones with my story of growing up with a focus on science. As some of you know, I didn't grow up that way and requests like that make me very uncomfortable. So, I've declined all these requests, feeling very badly for doing so.

I'm still trying to find my place in the universe. Sometimes, things fit. Most of the time, I'm still a square peg in a round hole.

Knowing one's core attributes isn't quite enough. Attributes don't translate into action, merely the potential for action. Action is needed for Moments to happen. Moments of joy. Moments of sadness. Moments of delight. Little markers of both good and bad we carry with us that mark our life's path through the landscape of this reality and ultimately defines us for who we are through those experiences. No, attributes aren't enough. One also needs identity anchors to direct those attributes.

I've lost the majority of my identity anchors over the past year and half. Some by design and others by circumstance. I'm still an aunt, a parent, a sister, a daughter, a worker, a volunteer teacher and a friend. I've lost my identity as a gamer (stopped playing D&D half a year ago), a dancer (stopped going to ballet class 4 months ago due to health issues), a stargazer (stopped doing amateur astronomy 3 years ago due to sight issues) and a foodie (stopped making dishes after my main surgery almost 2 years ago). In short, I can define my identity by what I do and how I relate to others but I have lost practically all my anchors that define my own identity that reflects joy unto myself. The only thing I haven't really lost is my identity as an avid reader, a joy I have rediscovered with my trusty Kindle.

So, I'm going to kickstart two identity anchors: dancer (resuming my ballet classes immediately) and foodie (going to start making good food again for my family). I'll be resuming these today, beginning with making a hopefully-delicious Bourbon Pecan Baked Brie for my family for breakfast. I'm also going to clear out my room so I can dance at home again. Identity anchors translate Attributes into Action, which results in the creation of Moments. Why do I wish to create Moments?

Moments are always associated with a feeling. Joy. Hope. Inspiration. I do not wish to go into the long night with regrets that I have not experienced life in all its awesome, terrible majesty. I was tightly closed when it came to emotions once. I do not wish to again. Why? I'll put explain it this way: scarcely two years ago, my nephews would have never, ever come by, ka-plonked themselves onto my lap without so much as a by-your-leave and started nattering on about an imaginary creature I've never heard of. Little moments of love and security - these were the fruits I have hoping to taste when I started on that long, dark road to being Cured all those years ago. I have those now, from my family. All I have to do is not lose myself now.