Switching gears

I've always had trouble with abstract concepts. Mathematics was especially challenging for me, except when I could understand the problem in real-world concrete terms. When I decided on computer science as a career, it was something I understood, and understood well. So, it really was a no-brainer for me to work in this industry. Unfortunately, after two decades working as a developer I find myself stuck in the role of a senior architect. More than that, phrases like “too senior for this position” are starting to show up with disturbing regularity whenever I consider changing jobs.

Therefore I had decided to switch not only my job but also my career path, from software development over to business management. I'm not entirely comfortable with the switch mostly because like math, I don't completely get it. Don't get me wrong, I've seen enough businesses to know what makes them tick. If nothing else, my recent application to business school made me realise just how ready I am for the switch.

So why am I so unsettled with this decision?

I suspect it has partly to do with my motivation for the switch. Which computer sciences, I knew what I was getting myself into–solving complex problems, which gave me a warm glow. With businesses… my only motivation appears to be strictly monetary. In fact, I know very few business managers who take great joy at what they do at work, unless if they are the owners of the business itself. I don't have the courage to own my own business nor do I expect to ever do so in this lifetime. So why make the switch what do I have to look forward to? The honest answer is… I don't know. More money, which enables me to do other fun things. But what does this mean for the better part of my day? I spend the majority of my life at work, eight hours a day, five days a week, 12 months in the year. If I don't love what I'm doing, what kind of life could that be?

So what are the alternatives? I can stay where I am and continue developing software until they kick me out, which will be very soon because I simply cannot keep up in terms of competitiveness with the younger folk. They know far less than I do, true. However, they are also paid far less than I do. Companies nowadays are more worried about the bottom line and so they hire the younger, cheaper workers. I have seen so many of my friends get drummed out of the industry this way. I fear that this shall be my fate too. I think I'm a pretty good developer and a great architect. I don't say that with pride; I've earned that by dint of hard work over many decades. But money seems to trump everything out there in the business world. Perhaps it is wiser to pick a career where joy and satisfaction are to be found outside of working hours.

It doesn't matter, really. I've already decided to go to business school and to pursue a career in management. I hope they're making the right choice, and that I will still be able to look myself in the mirror in the morning afterwards.

Can you hear me now?

This is my first attempt at blogging completely by voice. I took the plunge and bought MacSpeech Dictate this afternoon. I'm hoping to blog this entire entry using just my voice.

Nifty, eh? :-)

It's taking a little getting used to just speak instead of just typing. However, as I'm not really a developer any more and as I'm writing more reports than anything else, perhaps dictating this the right way to go. I'm not sure if this is any faster than typing. It is interesting to just keep talking and have it type everything for me. I needed to train it quite a bit. It's been a mixed experience. Sometimes it transcribes flawlessly but other times it really messes things up.

I do getting get used to this. It certainly saves me having to look at the screen all the time, which means I have less eyestrain. I'm at the point where reducing eyestrain is a major deal for me. It started with the Kindle actually. Up until then I've been using computer screens or some other backlit screen for years. It wasn't until I started reading on the Kindle that I realised how tired I got from reading off backlit screens. The Kindle is a joy to read on; I can read off that thing for days on end. As my eyestrain reduced, I found my stress levels dropping a little. It wasn't much but every bit counts.

It takes a little bit more care when I'm dictating but I think that in the end, once I've got this completely trained, that it will be worth it. It seems to do far better on longer sentences than short ones. I've done it to the point where it is reasonably accurate. I've had to restrain myself from picking at it, what with me being a details person and all. I'm not sure that I'm at the point where I will trust it completely with a business report but the results seem promising so far.

Blogging via speech is indeed slower than typing, mostly because I had to go back and correct its mistakes. They are getting fewer and fewer now though; yay for training! I had to go through the voice training bit several times before it got used to me. it's slowly adjusting though. I'm not sure how much it's really learning or if it's really training me to be accepting of its flaws. I suspect a little of both is happening right now, which is fine by me.

It doesn't seem to like the blogging window very much because when I do AutoCorrect, the cursor goes back one space too far. It doesn't matter I guess as I intend to be using this with Microsoft Word anyway.

I wish I had the eyesight to not have to dictate but life is what it is; I wish it were different. I wish all things were different.

Back in the pot

Near the end of April during the mid-1990s, I wrote my last exam and thought to myself, "That'll be the last time I have do this horrid activity!" Of course, that's not the case as a decade later, I started my M.Sc. in astrophysics through distance learning. That venture ended shortly after I returned to Calgary as economic demands accelerated after the purchase of the house. Still, all that distance learning stuff didn't seem real. I mean, it's missing all that classroom dynamic of listening to the lecturer drone on, or glaring at the people who talk amongst themselves as I'm trying to take notes, or watching the clock slooooooowly tick its way second by slow second towards the end of the class. Distance learning changed all that as I get to work at my own pace. It's good.

So why in the name of all that's holy did I apply for business school? Yep, late last week I got my confirmation that I've been accepted into the project management program at a Canadian university that's not local. So, I have to fly out to where it is early next month to go attend my first course, after which the distance learning aspect kicks in for the next 6 months. What do I get out of it? Essentially 4 years of an undergrad degree packed into 6 months, after which I get to sit for my PMP certification for a double accreditation. Why bother with this rigmarole when I can just sit for my PMP? Well, my formal business skills need some brushing up and all of the credit I earn for this program is directly transferable to my MBA when I decide to take it, so I'll be able to get it half a year sooner when I can scrounge up the hefty tuition fee for it.

I've been a developer for practically my entire career. Those of you in the industry, please take a look around you and tell me how many female developers are in your team that are in their mid-forties or older? Dollars to doughnuts, the answer is zero unless if you're living somewhere in the Silicon Valley. Fact is, I'm far too senior for most of the developer positions these days. My love is product development first, program management second and project management third. I like working with people these days. Sitting down and hammering out code is simply not as fun as it was before. Seeing a complicated project to a gentle landing? Now, *that* takes skill.

I'm still in a developer position, senior architect to be precise. It's not that I'm not happy with my duties, I'm just...bored. It's the same thing I've been doing for ages, except that now I have to deal with the idiosyncrasies for whatever the language of the month is. It's just not as fun anymore.

So, I'm going back to school. Not sure if this is a bright idea or not.

Cracks in reality

I understand from some folks like my sister that I've been shifting away from many of my former traits to something new. Honestly speaking, I've felt somewhat like Bilbo Baggins lately, like butter scraped over too much bread. I don't know what I'm turning into or whether it's really the right thing for me. I've had to make some very hard choices lately, all of which have taken me down a path never trodden.

You see, I've always been a cautious planner, one who looks before she leaps. These days, I still do that except that I land on new ground. It...makes me uncomfortable to have endured so much change in so little time. In a very real sense, I'm breaking new ground because I'm trying not to repeat the mistakes of the past. However, I get the distinct feeling that I'm "losing my edge". It's hard letting go of control when it's been the sword and shield of my existence for so long.

A part of me thinks I'm being idiotically naive to do so, like petal-tossing pacifists standing in the way of a very real and solid tank that will crush me without a second thought. Life is inherently brutal. Due to medical concerns, I doubt I'll live to retirement age - if I get to see the kids off to university, I'll be content. So, what really remains is what I choose to fill the rest of my life with. In fact, that's a question that we all have to answer except that this time, I'm consciously choosing.

Not too long ago, a conversation arose about reincarnation. Yes, I have odd friends. No, I don't believe in reincarnation. The discussion eventually wended its way to the question of what we'd choose to be if we had a new life to live. In the not-to-distant past, I'd have chosen to have been born to the "right" family with a tradition of political office and a decent inheritance to boot. It's very much centred around power and the application thereof. Note that money isn't a goal, whereas most people, like my friends in that discussion would have chosen to be born into a rich family. Here's the odd thing - my answer in that discussion was remarkably unremarkable: I said I would have chosen a life where I had a chance to be a successful soprano. My friends, who aren't blind to my ambition and drive thought I was pulling their leg. I wasn't. Yes, I would choose a life of uncertainty and perhaps desperation over safety and security. It did make me pause afterwards. Why did I choose that?

I believe I'm starting to crack. Not in terms of my sanity, which my closest friends already know has been in doubt for a long time already. :) No, I think I'm starting to crack under the weight of my past choices. Case in point: I chose to take really boring specializations back in university like business computing over more interesting courses like graphics. Why? Well, it made me more marketable and indeed, it boosted my career somewhat in the early days. The cost of it is that now, I no longer find myself living an authentic life. I do boring things because I have to. I have to because I have a history of doing so and therefore have commitments to maintain.

In the meantime, I feel the grains of time slipping past the point of no return with every breath I take. This is not the life I want to live anymore. I'd like to bring beauty into the world, not make more money. I'd like to bring a smile unto people's faces, not control their lives. None of these is going to be taken well by real life, of course. I'm fully expecting life to smack me upside the head really soon now.

But you know what? With the choices I've made lately, I see more smiles and laughter on the children's faces. I feel like I'm supporting my sister a lot better these days. I do feel trapped in my career choices but here's the thing: in spite of everything, I have hope it will end well. The alternative is to face the bleakness of life, where the majority of possibilities brings suffering and pain.

Beauty is worth it. Laughter is worth it. Joy is worth it. Kindness is worth it. Compassion is definitely worth it.

Watch me try. Watch me burn this life as brightly as I can and remember that even if I should fail, I will have tried.

Random ramblings: Kushiel's Legacy

I was introduced to the three books by Jacqueline Carey that made up Kushiel's Legacy (Kushiel's Dart, Kushiel's Chosen and Kushiel's Avatar) by my sister about two years ago. I was in Michigan on a conference and she asked me to pick up the first book for her. Ironically, she never did quite get around to reading it even today.

I started reading Kushiel's Dart because I was bored. The prose felt too heavy and the subject matter made me squeamish so I stopped reading it. Fast forward a few months, I heard some friends speaking avidly about it so I gave it another shot. This time, I was hooked and it has now become one of my favourite trilogies.

I have a tendency to do that, where I didn't like a book only to return to it later to find that I loved it. James Clavell's Shogun is a good example. I've always regarded myself to be a creature of habit and consistency and this bothers me. I guess my reception to ideas these days is heavily coloured by the circumstances and attitude preceding it. I'm of two minds on this. On the one hand, I don't like that I'm dependent on semi-random wetware states to make decisions. On the other hand, I feel a lot more these days and the world is brighter and more vibrant as a result. Emotional detachment and logic does come with a cost, one where I'm not certain if it's worth paying.

Mmm...pardon? Oh, right - Kushiel's Legacy. I was listening to the audiobook of Kushiel's Avatar during a long drive out of town today and it felt like as if I'm hearing it for the first time. I've read the books many many times and I've certainly listened to this audiobook before but I'm still discovering details and layers that I had missed in the past. It's one of those stories that defy close classification. Set in an alternative reality during the mid- to late-Renaissance period, it is a tale told from a first person perspective of a courtesan marked by an angel to suffer for the sake of universal balance. Jacqueline Carey does an amazing job of filling that world with characters that feel real. There are no superheroes here, no glorious charge against all odds. The characters do take risks and a lot of them die. Even the protagonist and her consort harbour no illusions about their chances for survival in quite a few situations. They put their lives on the line for love and duty, not honour and glory. That in of itself is a very unique portrayal in fiction but it works remarkably well.

There is a strong element of...alternative lifestyles in the series, something I was unprepared for when I first read it and it took me some time to adjust to it. It does put a unique spin on things and certainly crucial to the plotline. Most authors toss in things like this to spice up their stories but Ms. Carey appears to have seamlessly built this into the heart of the tale in a very honest and human context, sometimes gut-wrenchingly so. I'm not going to focus on it but if you're squeamish about blood or have strong Puritanical religious beliefs, this is not the series for you.

Guys, this can loosely be classified as romance in some ways. If you're not into romance novels, you might not enjoy this very much. Gals, this is a series with rich descriptions of the world and a very intricate plotline. I'd recommend that you try it out but if you are put off by the first book, you won't like the rest as it will get more descriptively terrifying.