Cracks in reality

I understand from some folks like my sister that I've been shifting away from many of my former traits to something new. Honestly speaking, I've felt somewhat like Bilbo Baggins lately, like butter scraped over too much bread. I don't know what I'm turning into or whether it's really the right thing for me. I've had to make some very hard choices lately, all of which have taken me down a path never trodden.

You see, I've always been a cautious planner, one who looks before she leaps. These days, I still do that except that I land on new ground. It...makes me uncomfortable to have endured so much change in so little time. In a very real sense, I'm breaking new ground because I'm trying not to repeat the mistakes of the past. However, I get the distinct feeling that I'm "losing my edge". It's hard letting go of control when it's been the sword and shield of my existence for so long.

A part of me thinks I'm being idiotically naive to do so, like petal-tossing pacifists standing in the way of a very real and solid tank that will crush me without a second thought. Life is inherently brutal. Due to medical concerns, I doubt I'll live to retirement age - if I get to see the kids off to university, I'll be content. So, what really remains is what I choose to fill the rest of my life with. In fact, that's a question that we all have to answer except that this time, I'm consciously choosing.

Not too long ago, a conversation arose about reincarnation. Yes, I have odd friends. No, I don't believe in reincarnation. The discussion eventually wended its way to the question of what we'd choose to be if we had a new life to live. In the not-to-distant past, I'd have chosen to have been born to the "right" family with a tradition of political office and a decent inheritance to boot. It's very much centred around power and the application thereof. Note that money isn't a goal, whereas most people, like my friends in that discussion would have chosen to be born into a rich family. Here's the odd thing - my answer in that discussion was remarkably unremarkable: I said I would have chosen a life where I had a chance to be a successful soprano. My friends, who aren't blind to my ambition and drive thought I was pulling their leg. I wasn't. Yes, I would choose a life of uncertainty and perhaps desperation over safety and security. It did make me pause afterwards. Why did I choose that?

I believe I'm starting to crack. Not in terms of my sanity, which my closest friends already know has been in doubt for a long time already. :) No, I think I'm starting to crack under the weight of my past choices. Case in point: I chose to take really boring specializations back in university like business computing over more interesting courses like graphics. Why? Well, it made me more marketable and indeed, it boosted my career somewhat in the early days. The cost of it is that now, I no longer find myself living an authentic life. I do boring things because I have to. I have to because I have a history of doing so and therefore have commitments to maintain.

In the meantime, I feel the grains of time slipping past the point of no return with every breath I take. This is not the life I want to live anymore. I'd like to bring beauty into the world, not make more money. I'd like to bring a smile unto people's faces, not control their lives. None of these is going to be taken well by real life, of course. I'm fully expecting life to smack me upside the head really soon now.

But you know what? With the choices I've made lately, I see more smiles and laughter on the children's faces. I feel like I'm supporting my sister a lot better these days. I do feel trapped in my career choices but here's the thing: in spite of everything, I have hope it will end well. The alternative is to face the bleakness of life, where the majority of possibilities brings suffering and pain.

Beauty is worth it. Laughter is worth it. Joy is worth it. Kindness is worth it. Compassion is definitely worth it.

Watch me try. Watch me burn this life as brightly as I can and remember that even if I should fail, I will have tried.