Maturity and Power

When I was a little child, I would grab a pencil and start waving it joyously in the air pretending to be a conductor whenever a classical piece was playing on the family tape deck. It was mostly to annoy my eldest brother who was trying to enjoy the music and I usually got a thrashing for it but since I was going to get hit regardless, why not make it count?

For most of my life, moving into positions of power was a key factor in my life planning. It still is today but with a much lower priority. You see, I used to aim for positions with authority because I was under the assumption that authority means security. That's not entirely incorrect either - people in positions of authority can usually see the corporate change truck that hits them, either with a glancing blow like a reorg or a fatal one like a layoff. However, the whole Authority = Security equation fails in its raison d'etre - to retain a position and not be unemployed. You can usually duck the bullets for a short while but in the end it all comes apart.

Took me years to figure that out. If this blog just taught you something valuable and saved you years of painful discovery, please send your appreciation to... ;)

It's no secret that I'm aiming to be a chamber violinist sometime in the coming years. It's also very clear that I have at best only a very slim chance of being successful, if any at all. As I mentioned to a dear friend just last night, some people keep hope alive by buying lottery tickets. This whole chamber violinist adventure is my lottery ticket and no matter how slim the chances may be, it's still better than buying a lottery ticket.

I'm aiming to be good enough to be a second violinist in an orchestra and I'm not particularly fussy as to whether it's an amateur or professional band of musicians. All I know is that I come alive when I play and that's all I care about at this time. So far, I've only played in a very short duet and I loved it. To be in an ensemble of chamber musicians making music is definitely on my bucket list and if I can do so semi-regularly, it would be a dream come true.

Not interested in conducting though. Between actually making music vs. the person directing the flow, I'd prefer to be one of the nameless many in the strings section actually playing, thanks.

Leveling Up (part 2)

I absolutely love the violin, far more than I've ever appreciated any other instrument. I think it's mostly because I'm just beginning to realize the full potential of the instrument, its complexity, richness and range. It's like upgrading my automobile from an automatic transmission to a manual gearbox only to find a hidden row of buttons marked "Turbo Boost", "Oil Slick" and "Espresso Dispenser".

I'm looking at the pieces I'm practicing and the pieces I hope to play someday. Then I'm taking a look at the pieces the professionals play. I'm never ever going to master this instrument. I'm going to try, gods help me.

Neutral buoyancy

I've always contended that there is a "perfect" level of intelligence, where one is smart enough to overcome most challenges in life but dumb enough not to see too many of the flaws in the system. Think of it as neutral buoyancy in terms of intelligence.

I wasn't quite correct, not precisely. I'm extending it to knowledge as well as intelligence.

I've started learning the violin recently and one of the challenges for a beginner would be developing good intonation, a pretty big problem with a violin as it doesn't have frets (guide lines on the fingerboard). I'm fortunate enough to have a good sense of relative pitch, so I can tell when I've made a mistake. What I wasn't prepared for was listening to other people's music and noticing the flaws in the performance.

Playing the violin gives me great joy and reduces my stress levels remarkably fast. Unfortunately, as I'm advancing in theory and practice, I'm also noticing the flaws in the performances that I've listened to in my music library. It doesn't mean I can play anywhere near as well as these violinists; chances are very good I'll never play as well as they can. However, you don't need to be skilled to spot a mistake, just skilled enough to know what one looks like.

I understand I'm advancing at an unusually accelerated rate in my violin lessons. That's because I've cranked my perfectionist side up to 11 when it comes to my practice. This is the side effect of making me ultra-critical not just with my practice but with everyone else's music as well.

*sigh*

Someday, I'll find that perfect balance. Maybe.

Leveling Up

About two years ago, I started working on my music. Some of you will have heard of my shenanigans involving bagpipes. Well, I moved from my chanter and smallpipes over to ocarinas. There were many reasons for the move but the main one was this: the range of bagpipes / chanters / smallpipes are limited only to an octave plus one note. More than that, it's not a chromatic instrument. I truly love the bagpipes and will continue to learn on it but it's very limiting.

So, I moved on to the ocarina, several of them in fact. I currently have a soprano, an alto, a tenor and something that's probably best described as a baritone ocarina. Ocarinas are an absolute pleasure to play on although my soprano can be a bit grating after a while. My primary ocarina is the alto and it's a double ocarina meaning that it has two chambers. This gives it a range of two octaves plus one note, which is enough to play almost anything out there and it's also a chromatic instrument.

There's one small problem with ocarinas though - they're considered "fringe" instruments. They sound heart-achingly beautiful but you won't see them in an ensemble anywhere. It gets a bit lonely after a while.

Let's take a quick detour here: over the 2012 Christmas holidays, I took a long hard look at my life. I've always known that music played a major role in my life and I've had several abortive attempts to get better at it. There's only been one chapter in my life where music has successfully being a major driving force, when I was in the Westwinds choir two decades ago. It was a fun time and the memory of it still brings a smile to my face. Looking over my Westwinds experience, I've come to realize that there are three factors that make music work for me:

• it must be a social (non-solitary) activity
• the possible repertoire of music must be extensive
• live performances must be an option (yes, I'm very goal-driven)

Bagpipes fit the 1st and 3rd factors but fails on the 2nd. Ocarinas fit the 2nd and 3rd but fails on the first. Singing fits all three but there will be complications stemming from my vocal range shifting over to contralto. Let's just say that I'd prefer to avoid those complications, so it effectively closes off choir as an activity.

I need music in my life right now. It's one of the things that allow me to destress effectively and my stress levels are high enough they're impacting my health. Besides, no music makes Kate a sad girl.

This means that I must find something else to play. After quite a bit of soul searching and research,  I've finally settled on the violin. I admit I was a little unsure about it - it sounded rather squeaky and annoying to my untrained ears. In the last few weeks, I've spent some time listening to violin concertos...and found that it's an amazingly expressive instrument. In the hands of someone who knows how to use it well, it's...eloquent at a level I've never noticed before. It fits all three criteria, so I Leveled Up (tm).

I registered for violin lessons almost a month ago. I haven't looked back. I had a rental violin that sounded amazing but I never got comfortable with it, mostly because I felt this very heavy responsibility taking care of something fragile that isn't mine. A couple of nights ago, I realized that this was also messing up my enjoyment of playing, so I took the plunge and bought one for myself. It's a Yamaha SV-130 electric violin in black. I chose an electric because I need to practice late at night and even with a mute on, my rental violin (an acoustic) was too loud. The electric is about 15-20 dB lower than my acoustic which brings its volume down to very nearly imperceptible only a room away when there's walls in the sound path. It's only been two nights but I've put in nearly half a week's worth of practice on her already since I no longer need to be paranoid about the noise.

You know, I never bothered naming my chanter, smallpipes nor ocarinas. I had this discussion with my sis a few nights back - it's because they never seemed alive but were mere tools that I used to create music. When I got my rental violin and played it for the first time, it felt like as if it was more of a partnership rather than me just using a tool. My electric violin is no different - I sing through her, so she has a name: Sera.

When I played for the very first time on my rental in the violin shop, the sales associate (who is an experienced violinist herself) took a step back and urged me to look in the mirror. I did...and saw that I had a huge grin on my face. She said, "You look extremely happy!" and you know, I was. I hadn't been happy in months, at least up to that point. I practice in front of the mirror these days (my violin teacher's orders) and I caught myself beaming away again.

Maybe this will work? I hope so. Joy is in such short supply these days.