Opportunity

I'm taking the next few days off to attend my very first astronomy conference. As I was driving there, I was struck by an immense sense of gratefulness that I have the opportunity to do something like this. I mean, in some countries, women aren't even allowed to drive cars, let alone attend a scientific conference.

I've also been blessed with time in the SF Bay Area - it was there that I cut my teeth as a budding amateur astronomer. Like everything else, the environment you "grow" up in strongly shapes your future "self". I was fortunate enough to have had many very nice people take me under their wing. That's one thing that's truly amazing about astronomers - once it gets dark enough, we are all equally insignificant under the majesty that is the night sky. Yes, there were some cantankerous observers but the huge majority of them were incredibly helpful to newbies. I remember the exact moment when I ceased being a newbie. There were a bunch of us gathered at a California park waiting for the skies to get dark enough and for our scopes to cool. It was an iffy night - there were some thick clouds moving in rapidly. Eventually it got dark enough that the brighter stars should have become visible. Indeed, there was exactly one star showing through a tiny break in the clouds. I remember thinking, "Oh, that's Vega so my first target should be that-a-way". And when the clouds parted, my first observing target was exactly where I expected it to be. It wasn't under much later when I realized how in-tune I was with the night sky at the time. I got that way because the other observers in my group, some of whom have been observing for longer than I've been alive, nurtured my interest with tips, technique and lore. You're going to laugh but I don't know most of them in the light - I only know their voices, their silhouette and of course, their instruments.

I was also fortunate enough to have been peripherally involved with the Mars Expedition Rover missions. It wasn't anything glamourous - I was just a docent at the Mars Centre at NASA Ames. I was there at Ames for the second rover, Opportunity's landing on Mars. Actually, my entire family is on there - we submitted our names (nice PR gimmick, NASA!) prior to the launch and we're encoded on this disc on both rovers. Besides being involved in public outreach, the really cool part was that we got to peek behind the curtain every now and then to see what the actual mission teams were doing. After all, the applications we're showing the public are the same ones that the mission planners are using. It was truly exciting to be able to view the latest photographs from the rovers, practically the moment they hit the servers. When the newspapers reported some stunning photo the rovers have taken, we had already viewed it - in its full resolution, on an extremely large screen. I had to leave that position when I returned to Canada. It's one of the things I really missed about California. I also got to listen to Arthur C. Clarke live over a satellite link during an astrobiology talk at Ames. That was a treat!

I'm fortunate enough to be able to pursue my M.Sc. in Astronomy part-time. Not too many people can do that financially. There's still a chance I won't have enough money to finish it. I hope I can though.

Most of all, these days I also have a supportive family. That alone is worth everything else listed here - if you don't have family support, things get incredibly hard. I'm fortunate enough to have people who love me enough to help me grow (thanks, sis!)

Lastly, I got a chance to hold and examine pieces of Mars and Vesta (asteroid) today. No amount of studying will bring that closeness, the "a-ha, so *that's* what they mean by _____" as actually holding a sample in your hand and seeing the real thing with your own eyes. That was nifty.

I know I'm fortunate to have had all these opportunities. I feel truly blessed to have had these opportunities. *This* is why I do outreach and education. Now, I'm hoping to create similiar opportunities for others when I can, if I can because I feel it's the *right* thing to do.

Broken mirrors

This is my third post in the last 48 hours. You never saw the first two because they never got posted.

This blog is a communications conduit to my far-flung friends and family. When I started it, I had an unspoken rule that I was going to try to keep it from being as narcissistic as I've seen others turn into. Those two postings failed that test.

There's a lot going on in my life right now. I can't post too much about my family because I don't want to expose our private lives into the World Wide Web. I'm an adult and every time I post something here, I'm taking some risks with regards to personal privacy. That's not something I can do for the rest of my family. If you don't see too much about the kids here, that's why. Having said that, you're always welcome to call us for an update.

Things are generally going well. I'm unhappy with the treatment for my rather uncommon Condition - progress has not only just stalled but there's actual regression to pre-treatment symptoms. My out-of-town doctor is following a treatment plan written for an entirely different medical condition. The treatment is called the same thing in both cases but the dosages are radically different, producing totally different results for totally different needs. It's literally like claiming that adding a pinch of salt vs. a cupful of salt is the same thing in a recipe, because they're both salt. I will have to politely question the validity and dangers of him doing so in two weeks, when I have a scheduled phone call with him.

Other than that, I've recently turned to an examination of Feminism (and to a much lesser extent, Womens' Studies). The last time I looked at it was when I was still a university student. Yep, a lot of it is still very narcissistic with a massive dose of inferiority complex. Having said that, I'm pleasantly surprised by the fact that there's more moderation and common sense prevailing these days too. There's some moderate viewpoints out there now that makes the subjects worth taking a second look at. I guess that will be my mini-project in the coming months since I'm a little tired of hard physics these days.

Closing the book

Today, I gathered up practically all of the old clothes that I no longer wear nor need. The majority had already been put away 3 months ago but I decided to hold off for a bit. There were some pretty expensive items in there, along with quite a few memories. I don't use them anymore nor is there any chance that I will ever use them again. So, I took them in to Goodwill and donated the whole lot. It's a cleansing ritual of sorts.

Three months ago on this date, something significant happened for me and no, Saint Patrick's Day had nothing to do with it. Friends and family will understand that with me gathering up all my old clothing, I'm closing the book on a part of my life and the only path forward now is the one I'm on - there's no going back.

Do I feel a sense of loss? Yes, I do. I think it's perfectly natural to feel sad given how many years I've lived that life. It hasn't been all bad - there were some very good times. But it wasn't sustainable over the long run. Still, I took a good long hard look (again) at the path my life was on a couple of days ago. Is this still the right thing to do? Has it ever been the right thing to do? What will happen to me as a consequence in the future? Can I even go back to that life now? The reality is that none of these questions have clear-cut answers either way. They're all value judgments of one kind or another. In the absence of hard data, I relied on the one test of values and morals that I have always trusted to lead me true.

I faced myself in the mirror. The telltale twinges of guilt were absent. But that's not how I know I'm on the right path. You see, not only can I look myself in the mirror, I was happily smiling too.