Moving forward

The question of why I'm adding even more to my weekly workload has come up. It basically goes like this. "If you're going through a separation, the Condition, a new role at work, etc, why on earth are you thinking of doing volunteer work now? Won't that just make life even more stressful?"

The short answer is Yes. It will make my life very stressful. Doubly so when I resume my courses come late summer.

I didn't arrive at this decision lightly. I am, in more ways than one, rebuilding my life from scratch. I need to move forward, to see beyond the smoking ruins. Volunteering is a positive step; some people turn to drink or drugs in my position. In fact, I know of at least 20+ people in my support groups for my Condition who have done exactly that. Those of you who know me well may think I'm not the type to do those abusive things and you would be right. However, things have gotten bad enough in the past that the idea of blotting out my sorrows in chemical white-out has crossed my mind. I rejected it instantly but it did cross my mind. A terrifying place to be, this despair.

I want my new life to be positive, to be more than what I was. I need to have a vision of the future, of what it can be instead of all the mistakes that I have committed that have led me to this place. I shall have to deal with the current mess I'm in soon enough - I'm not running away from it. However, I am not willing to wait until the last vestiges of my old life have been erased from existence before getting on with my new life.