Rudderless in the Night

I'm not really prone to depression, or at least I haven't been since I had the Condition taken care of. However, I still run into the occasional bout of deep, dark depression.

Tonight is one of them.

For the past 3 years, I've been struggling with and eventually overcoming the problem that was the Condition; indeed, I have moved heaven and earth to get it fixed. About two and a half months ago, I jumped through the final hoop in getting it resolved, past the point of no return. I have absolutely no regrets and am quite elated to have had it resolved, excepting the horrendously long healing period.

That's great. Now what do I do?

Certainly, a lot of things have changed since my surgery and my life has been turned upside down in a lot of ways, the primary one being the major relationship I had for over a decade is no longer in existence, to be replaced with something far more shakier that is based on trust, something in short supply due to recent events. Furthermore, my studies and my future thereof isn't anywhere near as interesting. I'm floundering, listless, unmotivated and depressed. I think it's ironic that I have overcome the blight that was the Condition only to find it triggering the disintegration of my familial bonds. Quite bitterly ironic. The one time when I really should have been paranoid, I became this trusting idiot and stepped on a landmine. Positively brilliant.

I can see no clear path forward and for the first time in decades, I'm merely existing without a plan for the future.

I know it's a depressive bout and that I'll pull out of it. I kind of have to - I'm the sole caretaker for the kids right now and they need a functional adult family member as opposed to...whatever emotional wreck I am right now.

The blogging eases the pain somewhat. So does journaling but I'm too shaky to hold a pen in hand.

*sigh* There is a light at the end of the tunnel...and I have to believe it's not a train.

Hard though, when I'm all alone in the night.