Fruitflies like a banana

Wow, in a few hours time, I will be 100 days post-surgery. I'm not sure how to handle that.

Leadership

I've been in the industry for a long time and in the course of those decades, I've seen many leaders, some to emulate, others that serve as a warning to others.

Except that now, I'm a leader.

It's different when I'm managing just one team, or even two. Now, I'm managing teams and products in the low double digits. It's not sustainable and I'm starting to burn furiously. I need to find a way out of this, and soon. However, there is one thing I refuse to let go except perhaps at the very last moment: my responsibility to my people.

I had a meeting recently with my peers and superiors. I'm the only person who referred to those under my leadership as "my teams". Everyone else maintained this arms-length detachment from the people they managed. In fact, one of my bosses shook his head and told me that it sounded strange to him that I should be calling the staff "my teams" or "my people".

Fact: my teams are the only ones NOT pulling regular nights and weekends.
Fact: my teams perform at velocities of at least 0.75.
Fact: I have delivered on every single deadline I've promised thus far either on time or early.

I am not going to comment on the performance of other teams. Let's just say that my teams are much sought after for critical projects due to our proven reliability. I'm proud of them, extremely so.

Lastly, my people are *happy* and loyal. They consider me a part of them, regardless of what department they're in. I'm the one and only manager able to cross all departmental boundaries in the company and be accepted. The one aspect of my relationship that I value the most is trust, which goes both ways: they trust me enough to come to me if they've screwed up, knowing that I'm going to help them instead of judging. Furthermore, they won't hesitate to call me on things they think I'm screwing up and they'll circle the wagons for me.

It took me a long time to get here. And now, it's time to go before I get completely burnt out because relief is not coming; if it were, they wouldn't have put that much responsibilities on the shoulders of a single mid-level manager. It's hard to leave my people because I know they'll get tossed into the meat grinder.

Darn it.

Digging deeper into the crater

Sorry for the dearth of posts lately. I'm starting to heal better now and can generally do my normal activities except for the occasional sharp stab of pain or two.

Heads have been rolling at work and I have a new boss now. I've also gone from managing one team to...well, an absurd number of teams that I can't even count with fingers on both hands. In short, the work situation's going pear-shaped but the upside is that I'm getting tons of experience that I can't get anywhere else. I'm weighing riding the job into the ground just to get that executive-level experience on my resume. Maybe. We'll see how motivated I am.

The depression's been hitting pretty hard late at night. I'm very sleep-deprived not because I don't get a chance to sleep but because of the nightmares. They're not related to the surgery itself but rather the family troubles afterwards. I'm *this* close to getting some sleep aids from my family doctor. :(

I'm definitely in a mid-life crisis. Spending my nights reading novels or playing games just won't cut it for long. Not really sure what to do anymore.

Rudderless in the Light

As expected, the bout of depression vanished as quickly as it came with the coming of dawn. Some sleep, a good cup of coffee and the laughter of children tend to banish despair quite effectively.

Yes, I'm still rudderless and I still don't have a clue where I'm going. However, I'm going to try not to get too wound up about it. I suspect that life is more of a "journey rather than the destination" type experience and to that end, I've begun exploring previously closed off interests. I do know that my previous trajectory is not right for this new life. I'm also mindful not to lose myself in change, something all too easy to do.

When I became aware of the Condition, I was dreadfully afraid that I didn't actually have the Condition, that it was a mid-life crisis masquerading as the Condition. Again, the irony: now that I'm rid of the Condition, I find myself running right into a mid-life crisis. For folks like me, buying a hot sports car doesn't fix it. For one thing, I haven't a clue how to drive manual transmission. I suppose I'll muddle along. Perhaps a hot new textbook on galactic evolution?

To wit, I'm planning on trying some new experiences and reprioritizing that which was into something yet to be. Not having the medical impediments to hold me back, I've a clearer view of who I am now: a strange perspective given that I'm lost. But at least I know I'm lost. Who I am is something I can't change (again) but where I go and what I do is certainly malleable.

To cite H. Simpson: "That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to Clown College!" :)