Connectedness

I've been feeling as if I didn't really fit into this world for some time now. I used to feel like that all the time before I underwent treatment for the Condition so it was with quite some surprise that I found myself that depressed again. After such a radical life-shift, it's not surprising that I would feel some disorientation but it's been 2 years now. Having said that, it's been a very dark couple of years on the family front and while we're still getting things sorted out, I think we're heading in the right direction.

Meanwhile, I didn't know what to do with myself. Stuff I used to be interested in became dull and boring. This wasn't my doing - when neural remapping occurs at the scale that it did for me, things just shift in unexpected directions. Trust me, it's been a very weird couple of years in several areas.

To put things succinctly, I was bored out of my skull. Ballet helped and is something I intend to keep going. What I really wanted to do was sing and I can't do that anymore, not without extensive retraining.

Then came the opportunity to learn the bagpipes. On the advice of the gentleman who's tutoring me, I got myself a practice chanter and an instruction book used by generations of pipers. The first nights were awkward and then I relaxed...and things just snapped into place.

As I'm typing this, my chanter's by my side. He's a beautiful instrument to me, a joy to hold and a wonder to play. I've taken to practicing inside my car over the lunch hour and my tutor's taught me a trick to muffle the sound. I feel alive when I am practicing on the chanter, similar to but not quite the same flavour as when I'm dancing ballet.

I'm still shaking my head that after all these years, I'm taking on the arts with a vengeance fueled by years of suppressed creativity. I dance, I play and I am trying to retrain my voice as a contralto. My house is a very noisy place these days but I feel joy once more.

Art. Who would have thought that it would hold joy for me?