I have been desperately unhappy for the past few months and I'm still not entirely sure what brought that about. Even my boss at work has set me the task to "find happiness". I think I do know why I'm unhappy, beyond the "perfect storm" of stress I've been going through lately.
As trivial as it seems, I think I'm unhappy because I can no longer sing, or at least sing publicly in a choir. All throughout my life, music has been an integral part of living. Whole sections of my life are catalogued by a specific "theme" song for that time period. Until it all went silent about half a year back. I'm not sure what happened but right now, there is silence in my history and it's very unnerving. My sis suggested that I may not need it anymore but I don't think that's true. I have experienced moments like this in the past when I am under intense stress but never for quite this long.
Those of you who know me well also know that I'm pretty paranoid about the possibility of losing my eyesight. Well, that silence in my history is akin to losing that visual sense, only in an aural manner. I need music. These days, I'm happiest when I'm bleating on my practice chanter.
Remember when you were a child and you got asked what you wanted to be when you grew up? Mine has always been "soprano" which changed slightly to "successful soprano" as I grew older. Obviously, this can never come true for me, not in this lifetime anyway. It does show, however, just how vital music, and in particular singing is to me.
I can't sing well anymore, at least not in a choir. I can learn to play instruments well but it's not the same. To me, singing is one of the most vibrant forms of expressing one's soul. I can't do that anymore and I think part of me is dying because of that. I'm not entirely sure what to do. I need a voice teacher - that's a no-brainer but it'll take years for me to get back to a level where I can sing contralto. I think it's time and effort well spent except that I can't do that right now.
All I have left is but the dream of that which never was. A bitter feeling, that truly is. :(
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2 comments:
Taking up voice lessons and singing can be a very worthy long term goal. Perhaps some planning would help (ie. decide to start voice lessons by or after X date) and give you something to look forward to. In the meantime, sing in the car. Sing in the shower. Make it a game with the kids in that on certain nights one must sing for one's supper. The important thing is to keep doing what you can. It is ephemeral so enjoy it in the moment for what it is and keep fanning those sparks of joy.
Yes...lets make the kids sing for their supper...Hmmm...
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