Epiphany: Connectivity

NOTE: when I started this entry, it was Valentine's Day but it took longer than expected to finish and I'm too tired to change things around. Please assume "today" is "Feb. 14th".

I had to drive to another city today to see a medical specialist. I explicitly requested to be referred to him because the only other specialist in my city failed to manage my case properly - he was prescribing what essentially amounted to placebos, which meant that either he's a bad doctor or he's not taking me seriously.

It's winter here and the road conditions weren't great. Driving home tonight was a challenge. There were some spots with zero visibility due to drifting and blowing snow. It's also a long drive - it took me about 5 hours to get home, including a dinner break. So, I had a lot of time to think during these trips (I make quite a few over the course of a year). Plus, the whole self-discovery process was made far easier during the scary bits when large semi-trucks cut me off on the icy roads causing my life to flash before me. At any rate, I had an Epiphany tonight.

Those of you who know me in Real Life will know that I've been dealing with a major issue in my life over the past two years. I call it the Condition. My course of treatment is set (which was what this trip was about) and while I am happy and glad I'm on this path, niggling doubts surface every now and again. Cutting a long story short, I realized tonight that my approach to the issue doesn't "complete"/"fix"/"cure"/whatever me - it *connects* me. Bear with me for a bit here, it's kind of hard to explain because it's so personal and there's probably not a common frame of reference. You see, I've been moving through life rather robotically, more often than not doing the right thing. In fact, I know for certain that I was doing the right things - I have all the elements a "good" life is supposed to have: a good career, a stable marriage, kids, money, etc. But I never really lived. I was bound to four undeserving masters: Duty, Honour, Logic and Efficiency.

Somewhere very early on, on some insignificant place on the way to Success, I lost my humanity. Perhaps I never had it.

Today, during the drive to the city, the Sun was just coming up and the sky was divided into halves, one the dark steel-grey blue of twilight and the other the rosy blush of a new dawn. The snow was being blown in undulating waves across the dark roads. It was surreal and beautiful, so much so I had to restrain myself from pulling over and writing a haiku to capture the moment. I've driven that route many times before and I have never ever really *looked*. It's always been rush-rush-rush. It's a bit of a major shock to me to find that beauty is all around. Yes, I'm a slow learner. :)

Later during the day, I stopped by a large mall for lunch and a little shopping. I took a break and had a coffee at this faux-European part of the mall, something I used to do a lot when I was living in that city but haven't done in years. A couple of elderly gentlemen were playing chess at the next table and classical music was being piped in through the hidden Tannoys. I had a coffee in one hand, my trusty fountain pen in the other and my diary open on the table. What's so special about this? Well, today, I actually *enjoyed* the moment. I sat there, sipping my coffee, scribbling in my diary, glanced over at the ongoing chess game...and I didn't hurry. I just...Lived. Relaxed. Content. Happy.

All my life I've been rushing hither and yon, trying to fill a role I was never suited for. Not even when the kids came did I open my eyes to the sad, sad reality I had slavishly condemned myself to. I had the good stuff - money, house, all the trappings that Things Were Well. But I never enjoyed it. Even sadder, I've missed parts of my children's development when I had to go for business trips. I remember crying inside when I came home from a long business trip lasting nearly a month and found that one of my twins had grown half an inch over his brother during my absence.

Well. no more. Since the treatments began, it's been as if my eyes have been opened for the first time. It's provided me with the clues that my previous attitude to life wasn't the right one. For the first time, I feel Connected. I feel I have a stake in my life as well as those I love. I see beauty. I see love. I see the fragility and brevity of our existence. It brings tears to my eyes, humility to my soul and regret to my mind.

But for the first time ever, I can *feel*.

I'm going to go have a long cry sometime soon. Then I'll feel human again, possibly for the first time.