Throwing away the map

I haven't blogged in a while mostly because I'm still trying to find my equilibrium. I have been having either bad days or boring days lately, no good days. That changed in the past week, when my spouse and I attempted a rapprochement of sorts. I think we still have a very long way to go - I honestly believed we had "turned the corner" a couple of weeks back but it was not to be. *sigh*

Having said that, my sis, who is very much in the thick of things at our home, took me out for a great dinner on Friday night. The kids were off at a slumber party, so we had the night off. I chose to try the tasting menu at a local oyster restaurant called Catch. It was by far the most expensive dinner either of us had ever had but ohmygoodness the food was divine! I think this was truly the first time either of us had had great cuisine excepting maybe that roast duck in Paris. Sis, if you're reading this - *THANK YOU*. I'd like to take my sis (maybe the kids too) on a culinary tour of either Europe or Asia if I ever have the opportunity and means.

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing and where I'm going. I think part of what I'm going through right now is defining happiness for perhaps the first time. I am still unhappy and I have always been unhappy for as long as I can remember. The difference now is that I'm significantly less unhappy. I think I'm approaching this with a two-pronged approach - the first is to act on the things that make me happy (like going for social gaming, cooking for my family, spending quality time with my sis, etc.) and the other is to question the things that make me unhappy as to whether it's valid or not. The first part is going well. The second part is extremely painful right now because it has caused some really major arguments in our home recently since what is being discussed are now matters near and dear to my heart where there is little wiggle room. However, I didn't come this far dealing with my Condtion to not be authentic; if it *really* bugs me, then I'm going to deal with it. I think we're making progress but I fear my relationship will die before we clear the air. :(

Since I was a small child, I've had a clear vision as to what my future was supposed to be. I don't anymore and it scares me. The person that I was 2 years ago would be freaking out about that. Me, I'm choosing not to think of it as being lost but rather being *unbound*, free to go wherever I wish. Yes, given my navigation skills I might just fall off the edge of the Earth, but it'll be an adventure! Likewise, despite the strife and heartbreak in our household, I'm choosing to remember the good times like that beautiful dinner my sis and I had. Our familial life is not all bleak and argumentative; as long as we can still have good moments like this, we still have hope.

There is still a long way for me to go but I know I'm on the right track because these days, even when darkness surrounds me I still find hope.