Micro-post: Bzzzt!

Just a quick update: I've cauterized one wound and am no longer in contact with someone who has been making me feel the way I have lately.

One down. Many more to go.

Bob, Gary and Sue - thank you. *hugs*

Micro-post: Tipping point

There comes a time in one's life when we have to choose which path to take. For most people, there are multiple decision points, some more important than others.

One of them is to choose whether to be loving and vulnerable or selfish and predatory. Yes, there are other shades in between - I'm just simplifying for the sake of brevity here.

I've tried the former and it does not seem to be working. I'm dismayed that it appears that the more loving you are, the more people will use that as an excuse to maltreat or undervalue you, sometimes both.

I've definitely also tried the latter in a past life and it doesn't work either. Even though the latter is a failure, it hurts far less than the former.

I have some soul-searching to do it seems. To be loving and constantly get screwed over, or be selfish and find myself alone. Perhaps the fact that I'm getting screwed over means I need to get better friends and family, a fresh start perhaps where no one knows who I am. Or perhaps it's the depression talking. Either way, it isn't working.

There's a change coming. I don't think anyone, including myself, will like it.

Micro-post: Shut-in

Life is passing me by and most days, I feel like a shut-in watching the world go past my window, unable to get out and be in the sun.

I'm not entirely sure why this is but I do know that my stress levels are now back to an all-time high. I feel very much out of it, overwhelmed and besieged. I need a vacation and fortunately, getting out of the city every now and then really helps. In this regard, I'm really thankful for my sis, who keeps the lights on at home when I'm off even though she's tired too.

Thanks, Sis - I'll make it up to you in delicious ways once I get my culinary groove back.

Micro-post: Myers-Briggs tests

For years, I was an ESTJ and I mean years, as in a couple of decades or more. These days, I test as an INFJ or an ESFJ depending on which side of the bed I got out from that day. So, under the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, I've gone from a Supervisor to a Counselor or Provider.

Interesting to see the drift over time. A little dangerous to trust everything they say in these tests though.

Wisdom of the ages

I have not been dancing at ballet class lately due to some medical issues. However, my balletmistress has invited me to sit in on both her classes and take notes, a generous offer that I accepted gladly.

As I sat there this afternoon watching her put the class through its paces, I was struck by how fortunate I was to have had such good teachers in my life. I had a Cambridge-trained teacher for my secondary school, who taught me about respect and instilled in me a lifelong love for literature. I had an old, grizzled fencing master who fought in WWII with the weapon that he was training us on. Now, I'm blessed with having one of the best balletmistresses in Canada instructing me in art of dance.

In my culture, age is revered. Our elders are to be respected and taken care of. You don't see it here in North America much anymore. Old people are...just old people. We discount their lifetime's worth of experience in favour of our own arrogant youthfulness, a gamble on the potential of greatness versus the time-tested lessons of a long life.

I don't think I'll live to be the age where I get to pass things on to the newer generation, not like that. I may volunteer as an occasional teacher at the local schools but I shall never been a force in someone's life. No one will point to me and say, "Yes, Miss Kate taught me this and I shall never forget it."

Life is. The only life I can truly influence is that of my own. I may not be able to pass what I know onto the younger generation, but I can certainly get better by learning from those who have gone before me and excelled in their field. One out of two isn't bad, is it?

Micro-post: Echoes of a distant past

I had to go into the local walk-in clinic to day to discuss a prescription that I was leery about. As the wait was over an hour long, the receptionist gave me the option to head off and return after an hour, so I wouldn't be waiting that long. It's a smart policy - it keeps their patients happy and they don't have to put up with a concentration of sick people in their waiting room. So, I decided to go have lunch instead. On the way back to the clinic, I passed by a closed down section of the strip mall. Over the years, practically every business that has rented the space hasn't lasted more than a year or two. However, twenty years ago, it was the site for a Consumers Distributing outlet

I was a poor university student then with very limited funds. In order to make do with little money, I would scrimp by going to discount places like Consumers Distributing. I remember flipping through their catalogues, which were chained and bolted onto their stands. I remember filling in the order forms with long item numbers. I remember standing in line and hoping that the items was in stock. When the item was in stock, I remember checking it every time to ensure it wasn't a restocked item from a previous sale that had been returned, and if so, that all the bits that were supposed to be in the box were there.

Fun times.

I strolled over to the now-vacant shop space with the paper-covered windows and the obligatory sign on the door explaining why there was no tenant there now. Twenty years ago. Oh my.

The only other time I felt that way was when I went back to my parents' place some years back. My room seemed a lot smaller. The items that were important to me felt like just cheap ordinary junk, for the most part. My wall clock with the schooner sailing majestically through the seas was still there, its regular ticking still driving me crazy every night.

A lot of memories.

You know, I haven't had a bad life, all things considered. There weren't many happy moments, true, but I *had* a childhood, with both parents intact in a family unit. That's not something that many children have these days. I have mind-snapshots of my childhood slowly trickling in now that I'm sorting out some of the abuse I had back then. Not happy memories but not sad ones either. Just...memories from over three decades ago.

Snippets of a Life

As some of you may know, I'm a big fan of organizer applications that can manage my To-Do lists. Ever since I bought my very first PDA, a Pilot 5000 by US Robotics, I' ve been hooked on them. Those who know me will have heard about how I consistently overload organizer apps with so many items that they implode.

Not all organizer apps are equal. I've used really clunky ones on my Pocket PC before and up until recently, I've been using Things on my Mac and my iPod Touch. I really like Things. In fact, I'd still be using Things if they had an online sync mechanism that didn't require my iPod to be on the same Wi-Fi network as my Mac. This usually wasn't an issue until I started heavy usage of my organizer apps again.

You see, I have been trying to practice ballet but I could never find the time for it. A lot of it is due to mismanagement of my free time. I tried using Things and while it's great, it simply didn't adapt fast enough to my now-busier lifestyle, not without online sync. So I started shopping around.

I had an old license to Life Balance and while they were certainly full-featured and had a very intriguing feature that promised to balance the task load over all my goals, I could never really get into it. In fact, that's why I moved to Things.

I am now using Toodledo and I'm loving it! Way back when, I wanted to write an organizer app that would fit the way I think. I never did find the time to finish it but that's all right because Toodledo is amazing when it comes to how you can finetune your tasks. About the only thing that's a little clunky about it is when it comes to performing tasks in sequence - there's no clear and easy mechanism to sequence tasks. On everything else, it's exactly what I needed: there's an iPod client for it, it's online, it's flexible and it subtasks beautifully. I tried their free time-limited trial for their Pro subscription and now that it's expiring, I'm starting a year's subscription which costs about the same as a good lunch at a chain restaurant.

Over the course of the past week, I've been putting it through its paces. Nope, no implosion yet. Even better is that it has something similar to Life Balance's feature where it figures out the list of tasks to do so that I have a balanced life (i.e. near-equal time is given to all life goals defined in the app). It even lets me specify the time I have to use and produces the To-Do list based on that! I'm pretty impressed by the algorithm - it looks like it tries a combination of factors including priority and task-duration-best-fit as its inputs. It also has an iPod client, so I'm delighted. Furthermore, the amazing amount of flexibility surrounding start and end dates really make me squee in delight!

Did I mention I'm squeeing in delight? Squee!

The only thing is that the default website looks kind of...plain. I've since created a Fluid version of what looks like their mobile version of their website. I can launch Toodledo without going through my bookmarks in my browser.

Now, if only I can work up the willpower to actually complete the tasks...

Micro-post: A Quantum of Innocence Lost

I love ballet. I'm taking classes in it. Did I mention I love ballet?

Too bad I suck at it. :(

*sob*

My Sis and I watched the Doctor Who Series 4 finale/Christmas special the other night, the End of Time. It's the last episode that Tenth Doctor will be in, barring any specials in the future.

I'm not going to include any spoilers here, but suffice to say that his last line was heartbreaking. *sigh*

I'm not usually that taken in by fictional characters, especially those on the telly. However, for whatever reason, I've become rather taken with the Tenth Doctor. To my surprise, his departure put me into a depression, one that I climbed out of once I realized how silly that was and had a good cry to purge any lingering sadness. It worked, after a fashion. As idiotic as it sounds, I miss the Tenth Doctor. *sigh*

You know, I loved the Fourth Doctor for decades. I've fond memories of waiting eagerly for the next episode to air - it was the first real dose of good science fiction I had, given that I didn't have access to sci-fi books when I was a child. No, I wasn't a big fan of K-9 though I did think it was cute.

Romanadvoratrelundar was different. I never wanted to be the Doctor; honestly, I thought he was quite mad and probably not a very safe person to tag along with. On the other hand, Romana was calm, collected and solved matters in a careful, ordered manner. She was cool.

Returning to the present (sic), the Tenth Doctor had a number of endearing qualities not found in any previous regenerations. He was selfless, an incorrigible show-off, never lost his sense of wonderment and in the end, tragically broken. He was probably the most human of all the Doctors and he'd probably think that to be a compliment.

Besides, it didn't hurt that he was tall, smart and irresistibly cute. *swoon*

Yes folks, I'm a huge fan of Doctor Who. I even joke that my transportation uses pre-Rassilon era Gallifreyan technology. In fact, it's so ancient the outside dimensions are actually *gasp* larger than the inside. It is, however, large enough to fit a sofa in the boot, should any Daleks appear.

The Eleventh Doctor will have to be very good to surpass his previous regeneration. That, and his hair's not even ginger.

Disclaimer: no, I haven't gone off my rocker. Yes, I know Doctor Who's just a TV show. Now, if you excuse me, I need to go practice picking the locks off wooden doors with my sonic screwdriver.

Innocence

When we were children, we believed in many things, most of which were impossible. Things like the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. Our lives were filled with magical awe as the world brought new experiences to us. We had our parents to protect us, or at least those of us who were fortunate enough to have them, anyway.

As we grew up, we started to see the world as it really was. The Tooth Fairy didn't exist nor did Santa; our parents were the ones who did all those wonderful things. Then we started understanding finances and for most of us, it amounted to the need for money to keep things going. We moved away from our parents, went to university, graduated, found a job, got married, had kids...the list goes on and on.

Suddenly, we were the parents, tiptoeing into our children's room late at night to swap that tooth under the pillow with a coin. Or waiting until late at night for the kids to fall asleep so that we can fill their stockings. We had to protect them, feed them, clothe them, teach them and most of all, love them.

Parenthood brings the magic of children into one's life at the cost of stripping away that final self-delusion that the world is safe. Yes, that's a pretty negative thing to say but I do believe that it's true for most people.

When we were kids, we had someone to protect us. That left us free to be innocent and happy. Life changes all that. I'm middle-aged right now and I'm desperately clinging on to the few scraps of innocence left. Things like love, romance, fairness and the intrinsic good in people. I think in this regard, women have an edge over men. Society allows us to be soft-hearted and romantic, little foibles that don't necessarily fit into the cold hard reality of life.

I believe in love, that people can fall in love, that love can be forever and true, that love is stronger than anything in the world.

I believe that romance isn't dead, that a couple can maintain that spark of love throughout their lives by working at it.

I believe that fairness will prevail, that people will get what they deserve, be it good or bad as a consequence for their decisions.

I believe that people are intrinsically good at heart and will choose to do good things unless if life has taught them to be hard and cruel.

I know that clinging on to these beliefs have a cost, that people unscrupulous enough could take advantage of these values. I'll risk it. I'll risk it because we need to believe in something improbably positive in our lives. Otherwise, life just becomes the daily grind...and you die in spirit long before you die in body.