Hiatus

I had a long chat today and it was suggested that perhaps I should journal more extensively from now on. Not publicly here but in the safety of my private journal. Given the circumstances that spawned this discussion, I agree that I have a *lot* to get out, most of which I'm uncomfortable even facing it myself, let alone writing it down here.

So, I'm dropping off the face of the Earth for a while. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone. A week? Two weeks? Months? A year? I honestly don't know this time. So, if I were you and if you're reading this blog, perhaps you'll want to set up your Google Reader to monitor this page. If you haven't used Google Reader, it's well worth taking a look at.

I'm not sure who I'll be when I re-emerge. I hope I'll still have my sense of humour and hope intact. I've been evading a lot of issues lately but it's time to face my personal demons. I've always been afraid to tread on these plains of shadowed memories that I've always known were there. But now they're between me and who I want to be, so I really don't have much of a choice anymore.

As much as this sounds like a farewell, have faith that it isn't. For those of you who know me in real life, consider this: it took me a lifetime to find you. Actually, in my case, it took me *two* lifetimes. :) I'm not letting go quite yet...but best wishes and good thoughts are welcome.

Idiotic Martyrdom

There are moments, when all is quiet and the soul is at rest, when one can view the surrounding universe with unparalleled clarity. I have had many such moments lately and they have been painful.

We are in existence for but a short time and there are numerous sayings, books, teachings and what-have-you that tell us to make the most of it, to do good, to be loving and many such good deeds.

The reality that I have been facing is that regardless of what good deeds I do (and I do far more good now than I ever before), it still comes down to this: alone in my dark, shadowy, cold room with a to-do list a light year long worried about finances and the future. In that, I am probably no different than many others out there. The difference is, I am aware of the futility of life, where no matter how great a deed we do, it shall be buried ignominiously under the weight of time, if not forgotten by we who have become a society so inured to mediocrity and the sense of self-entitlement.

Still I labour to do good, not because I am inherently good nor do I have grand self-delusions that I will make a difference. No, I do good because I choose to, in the hope that it shall bring joy if but for a tiny fraction of time to someone else. Most of the time it goes completely unnoticed or taken not as a gift but as a given right in this society of ours that has forgotten simple kindness. I don't expect gratitude but as a member of the species, I ache when I see that we are losing our humanity.

Still I labour to do good, not because I seriously think it'll do any good but because I am an idealist who holds out an illogical hope that it might do some good, that the merest chance of bringing some comfort to another soul is justification enough. This is the same illogical hope that true love is still possible, that a marriage can still work out, that we shall overcome our differences in the end and ascend to the stars.

I am a fool; worse than that, I am a romantic fool. The alternative is to do sink into the mire of that grey existence that most of us are already entrapped within. No. Call me a fool but I shall not go to my grave with the knowledge that I did not do that which is right because I had adjudged the universe as unworthy of good deeds. Fool though I may be but I shall keep alight the candle of hope in this dark era of fear and mediocrity that we live in. As long as there is enough of me to burn I shall keep it alight. Not for me, but for those who come after me.

Which do you choose?

Kindling excitement

I've placed my order for a Kindle 2 a couple of days ago and although it hasn't shipped yet, I can see that they've (Amazon) already put it on as a Kindle device on my account. That's...fast. I admit I'm a little surprised at what looks like efficiency! :)

I'm trying not to jinx things (yes, even as a Handmaiden of Science (tm), I'm still subject to certain superstitions) but I'm quite excited about receiving this device. As a jaded technophile, I'm surprised at my emotional response to this. I've been excited about new tech toys before but I've never quivered with excitement over a device as I am with the Kindle. I'm not sure why that is and several rounds of introspection have yielded no definitive answers. The most plausible one goes something like this:

1. My eyesight's getting poor, poor enough that reading dead-tree books are starting to be a challenge.
2. e-books have been the solution thus far. Being able to increase the font size has made reading a joy again.
3. All the e-readers I've had that were useful were on handheld devices like PDAs or smartphones. It's handy and convenient but the screen size is simply too small. That, and having things backlit means that while I can read the enlarged text, I get tired quite easily.
4. One of the moments I think about is being in the park, by the water, sitting on a blanket with a picnic basket next to me, sipping cold mineral water and reading a book. I can't do that with either dead-tree books (printing too small) or e-books (LCD displays aren't really legible in sunlight). With the Kindle 2, I have a shot at that. Mind you, the mere incongruity of the event may cause my friends to run away screaming from me. Kate, outdoors in the sunlight? Dear friends, I have three words and a symbol for you: sunscreen + Tilley hat.
5. Yes, there's large print dead-tree books available. I think it's a sad state of affairs when the fledgling e-book industry has more titles out than there are large print books. It means that we as a society are still neglecting our disabled.

If screen size is an issue, why don't I spring for the larger Kindle DX? Simple:
1. It's almost twice the cost of a Kindle 2. Eeep. At that price point, I'd rather spring for an iPad but I've learnt never, ever to buy the first gen of any tech toy if I don't want to be a beta tester. No, that's not a shot at Apple - this holds true for any tech product out there, regardless of manufacturer.
2. It'll have to be portable. A Kindle 2 will fit in my purse. The DX will not.
3. I like handling my reading material, be it a book or e-reader with just one hand, leaving the other free to handle food or drink. Reading while eating is one of the simpler joys of life I have never outgrown. The Kindle is lightweight enough for me to do so, plus it has control to turn the page on both sides, a design that means someone's thought things through for a change!

I've also preemptively ordered a booklight and a jacket/case for it too. I'm converting all my e-books over to the .mobi format in preparation for transfer to the Kindle. As I've been a very loyal customer of Baen books almost since its inception, it's mostly a simple case of downloading my purchases again. If you love science fiction and fantasy, do give Baen books a look. I've been a customer for years now and they're probably the best publisher out there, an endorsement (FWIW) that I give happily and unreservedly. They also have an extensive range of free books for download. If you do make use of the free books, I'd respectfully suggest that you may want to consider making a purchase - good publishers that treat their customers as, well, customers instead of possible criminals are hard to find. They'll only succeed and stay in business if we support them. Yes, Baen does not DRM their books. Baen and Stardock (for games) are my two favourite merchants. While the Kindle store on Amazon is a major draw when I made my purchasing decision and while I will be buying books off them, I intend to continue buying my scifi and fantasy books off Baen's Webscription storefront even if they cost a little more. If people treat me well, I reciprocate positively too. Now, if only other merchants would grok that...

Oh, in case it's not obvious, the word of the day is squee!

Update: Not five minutes after I posted this entry, my mailbox dinged with a shipping confirmation from Amazon. It's going to be a long, long two weeks before my Kindle 2 arrives. Regardless, the word of the day is now double-squee!

Not dead-tree

I've been reading e-books for years now. Don't get me wrong, I do love the feel and weight of a real, dead-tree book. One of the scents that I remember from my childhood was that of musty books, that distinct smell of aged paper that is unlike anything else out there. However, as I grew older, my eyesight got worse and now I need the increased font size to enjoy a book comfortably.

Thus far, I've been using my smartphones or PDAs. My current device of choice is an iPod Touch. I've got Stanza, Bookshelf, Kindle and eReader installed on it as I have e-books in different formats. I'm in the middle of standardizing all my e-books to the .mobi format, or at least the ones that aren't DRMed. Fortunately, I don't have too many of those.

I love my iPod Touch. It's serving me well as my PDA. It does a decent job as an e-book reader but I'm starting to feel fatigue from the backlit and tiny screen. That's no fault of the iPod - it really wasn't designed to handle things like e-books. So, I'm considering getting a dedicated e-book reader like the Kindle. Actually, the Kindle's really the only one in the running although I have a dear friend who works at a Kindle competitor and I'm holding off until I hear back from him, or when the Kindle 2 price drops. Given that the iPads are getting ready to ship, I'm hoping that Amazon will drop the price in the next couple of weeks or so.

To be honest, what I would really like is an iPad. However, it's still a backlit screen which doesn't help my eyestrain. That, and I've learnt not to buy first-generations of any new technology having been burnt in the past. The 6" Kindle 2 appears to be the best bet of the lot. It's a little small for tech docs but I'll be mostly reading for recreation on it so I'm not expecting a problem.

Thoughts, anyone?

Offline

It's been an odd weekend. I don't remember what happened yesterday which is unusual in of itself. I vaguely recall making breakfast but that's it.

I'm also completely out of energy. I rest for a bit, get up and start to collapse within minutes. My head is throbbing and I definitely do not have insomnia right now. If anything, I'm exhibiting symptoms of narcolepsy which I know I do not have. Very odd indeed.

I have a major urge to journal and will be doing more of it shortly. Taking a quick break to blog.

It's really quite frustrating - I still don't quite have direction nor purpose in my life but I'm pretty close. Now, it's a matter of my energy levels flatlining that's the obstacle.

Yes, I'm eating well. No, I'm not excessively stressed at the moment although my definition of "excessive" may not necessarily fit the norm.

*sigh*

Space

I volunteer as a science teacher in the local schools as I believe that it is important to give back to the community. When I first arrived in Canada decades ago, I had to take a placement exam at the international school to determine which grade I was supposed to be enrolled as the students came from all over the world, some with better education and some not so fortunate. I remember thinking that the exam was extremely easy for the most part and not surprisingly, I was placed at pre-university grade for that province. I skipped a couple of years as a result of that and was placed at the university here eight months after I landed in Canada.

Here's the thing: I'm not really all that bright. I'm not dumb either but I'm certainly not a genius by any stretch of the imagination. If I placed that high in the placement exam, something was very wrong with the Canadian syllabus at the time. Fast forward to the present, I'm now teaching in the schools every now and then as part of my volunteer work. Before I teach a class, I always discuss with the teacher about what she expects from my presentation. Some of the good ones are very directed: "I'd like you to teach about the solar system as we've just completed the unit on it". Some are less directed: "I'd like you to teach about astronomy. Anything will do, we're just looking for something beyond the textbooks". Those two I can deal with, quite happily so in fact. No, the ones I don't like are those who go, "You've an hour, teach whatever you want". I get the impression that I could go in there and chat about Cthulhu for an hour and the teacher will be none the wiser. Fortunately, I don't encounter those teachers very often. Most of the teachers I work with are genuinely interested in helping their students get motivated about science. It shows when I teach the class - they're attentive, inquisitive and...bratty. I can deal with bratty. Bratty means they're thinking and paying attention. The classes I'm not very fond of teaching are those where the students are completely apathetic and aren't interested at all in the subject matter. I've had a few of those too.

Which is why these days I always start my presentation with a short video clip of killer asteroids slamming into a planet. That usually gets their attention and things go a lot smoother when they're awake.

This brings me to my point today: one of the top questions I get asked by the kids have always been, "Have you been to space?" The question is normally posed with wide-eyed wonder. Have I been to space? No, I've never been to space. Nor will I ever reach space in my lifetime. It used to be that you could only get to space if you worked for one of the space agencies as an astronaut. Nowadays, you can prepay for a seat on a suborbital craft and go into space in a few more years. But I can't. I've had enough damage to my body now that I can't even ride most rollercoasters, let alone survive the G-stresses of a launch. It never used to bother me. For whatever reason, it's bothering me a lot tonight.

Back when I was younger and believed I could do anything, one of my fleeting, juvenile wishes was for my remains to be launched out into space. Of course, that's never going to happen as the cost is simply prohibitive and one needs to get governmental clearance before doing anything like that. I remember wanting to do that not because it was a cool thing to do but because I wanted to travel through the endless void out there. The logic (such as it was) was that even though I'd be long dead, at least I'd still be out there in space.

I'll never leave this rock, not while there still is a rock. The bits of me after I'm dead will remain here, somewhere, waiting for the time when the Sun swallows the Earth as it becomes a red giant. The Sun will consume the Earth's mantle at the very least. As the Bits-That-Were-Me will be somewhere near the surface, at some point about 5 billion years in the future, I'll become a part of the Sun. Everyone living now will be a part of the Sun too, as will everyone and everything that has lived on this planet pre-spaceflight. So, it's not a very unique fate that I'll be heading towards.

Every single heavy element like gold has been formed in the heat and pressures of a supernova. Every particle, without exception. As there are heavy elements here on Earth, somewhere along the line a long time ago, the entire planet was formed from the dead remains of a star. If life began, natively, on Earth (or even somewhere in the solar system) then we are made of starstuff. And we will return to being starstuff about 5 billion years from now. Beautiful symmetry, yes?

There will be parts of me, albeit changed into radiation or massless particles that will eventually travel through space as emissions from the red giant our Sun is going to turn into. I'd be long dead but it is of some small comfort that yes, I will eventually travel through space.

This is a morbid subject and as you can tell I way overanalyse things these days. I really wish this bleeping insomnia would go away as it's driving me batty. :(