Idiotic Martyrdom

There are moments, when all is quiet and the soul is at rest, when one can view the surrounding universe with unparalleled clarity. I have had many such moments lately and they have been painful.

We are in existence for but a short time and there are numerous sayings, books, teachings and what-have-you that tell us to make the most of it, to do good, to be loving and many such good deeds.

The reality that I have been facing is that regardless of what good deeds I do (and I do far more good now than I ever before), it still comes down to this: alone in my dark, shadowy, cold room with a to-do list a light year long worried about finances and the future. In that, I am probably no different than many others out there. The difference is, I am aware of the futility of life, where no matter how great a deed we do, it shall be buried ignominiously under the weight of time, if not forgotten by we who have become a society so inured to mediocrity and the sense of self-entitlement.

Still I labour to do good, not because I am inherently good nor do I have grand self-delusions that I will make a difference. No, I do good because I choose to, in the hope that it shall bring joy if but for a tiny fraction of time to someone else. Most of the time it goes completely unnoticed or taken not as a gift but as a given right in this society of ours that has forgotten simple kindness. I don't expect gratitude but as a member of the species, I ache when I see that we are losing our humanity.

Still I labour to do good, not because I seriously think it'll do any good but because I am an idealist who holds out an illogical hope that it might do some good, that the merest chance of bringing some comfort to another soul is justification enough. This is the same illogical hope that true love is still possible, that a marriage can still work out, that we shall overcome our differences in the end and ascend to the stars.

I am a fool; worse than that, I am a romantic fool. The alternative is to do sink into the mire of that grey existence that most of us are already entrapped within. No. Call me a fool but I shall not go to my grave with the knowledge that I did not do that which is right because I had adjudged the universe as unworthy of good deeds. Fool though I may be but I shall keep alight the candle of hope in this dark era of fear and mediocrity that we live in. As long as there is enough of me to burn I shall keep it alight. Not for me, but for those who come after me.

Which do you choose?