Superstition

I don't think any of us have progressed completely beyond our fear of the unknown. In everyone that I have known, there exists some form of superstition that they follow. I think it's part of human nature for us to have rituals, albeit very private ones when we run into things that are beyond our control. I, for example, don't like to talk about jobs have applied for for fear that I might “jinx” it.

I'm a planner by nature so it's rather ironic that when I run into the really big life challenges, I have a great deal of the reluctance to plan for it for fear of, you guessed it-jinxing it.

For most of my life, my environment wasn't something I had much control over, nor was my living conditions. For a while there, I had a pretty decent illusion that I had control. It lasted less than a decade as life took a very strange turn and brought me, eventually, to where I am now.

I like where I am. I like me, which is a big improvement from how I felt before.

Every choice I made had a cost, and one of the costs was to give up a very large chunk of my life. I never thought that that was a fair choice but that was the price society imposed upon me. I can live with that. What is truly unfair is when life throws you a curveball, one that results in nothing but bad choices. My health, for example. Most of my difficulties did not arise from choices I've made but rather things that happened nonconsensually to me. That's the way it is for everyone. Nobody chooses to be sick or to be handicapped.

I never did used to subscribe to the idea that life is suffering. I do now. Most adherants to that view work towards escaping that suffering. Buddhism pushes the concept of “do no harm”. Other religions and beliefs push other concepts ranging from the benign to the downright parasitic. I can't escape that suffering. I don't believe in reincarnation so this life is all I've got and by extension, all the ailments I have things I had to deal with, now, in this life. What I intend to do a slightly different from the norm. If I can alleviate some of my suffering, of course I'd definitely pursue that option. However, what I also intend to do is to bring joy, and love, and laughter, and delight into the lives of those I care about.

I can focus on all the bad things that are happening to me and I'm going to have to because of I don't, they'll never go away. That's not all I'm going to focus on though. I intend to help my kids learn about the world that surrounds us, to discover the amazing beauty in everyday life if only we knew where to look. I intend to support my sister realise her dreams, to surprise her with new positive experiences. I intend to be a sympathetic ear, strong shoulder and an active helper to my friends as best I can. I intend to do what I can to bring the light of knowledge into our schools, to help nurture that ember of curiosity within every child that teachers try so very hard to keep alive.

I'm no saint. I'll probably fail, and fail horribly in most of these things. But I'll try anyway because the alternative is to be all alone in the dark with my pain. If I can transmute their pain into something positive, then perhaps my life, however short in might be, will not have been an utter waste.