I walked into a discussion today between two acquaintances. One of them was mentioning that his wife was a social worker and the conversation eventually wended its way, as most random discussions do, onto an unusual subject - women who ply their trade in the "oldest profession".
The universal attitude was unsurprisingly one of derision and condemnation. To be honest, that would have been my reaction as well but I decided to stop and think about it for a bit. People don't generally go for this sort of work without good reason. I'll put it to you this way - go ask any child the innocuous question of what they want to be when they grow up and I'll bet you you won't find a single one who'll say that this is what they want to do. Why? Well, consider the following:
1. Massive health risks
2. Massive physical risks
3. Societal stigma
4. Criminal record
5. Limited employment period (only while beauty lasts)
So why do people do it? It normally boils down to one thing: money. However, the risks don't outweigh the benefits in the long run. So, again, why do people do it? Here, I think we get closer to the truth: money and desperation. It's a way for the hopeless and the disenfranchised to earn good money. In some cases, it's perceived as the only way to earn money for some segments of society.
Thankfully, I have never ever been in a position where I had to consider the possibility of plying the trade to stay alive. It's not a normal question that we ask ourselves.
So why do we pour such derision, such distaste and disapproval of such folks? Is it wrong? I believe so. But given that it's not a choice that any of us would willingly take, why do we choose to cast these unfortunates out, to ostracize and brand them pariahs when we know full well that it wasn't a choice they willingly took?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Fear...and redemption
Regular readers will know that I have had medical issues for some time. Close friends of mine will know that there are two issues troubling me, one of which is the Condition that I'm being treated for, the other involves my eyes where I've repeatedly gone under the knife for over the past decade and a half.
This year is shaping up to be a scary one; if everything goes as planned, I'll probably be having at least one surgery, perhaps up to three. One surgery is going to arrest (and hopefully reverse but not completely) an issue that is making me slowly blind in one eye. The other ones are all Condition-related.
I remember when I was young and healthy - surgery was what old people and distant relatives went through. Now, having been operated upon quite a number of times, I will admit that the fear is still very much there but there's a certain grim determination to just get it over with so that I can get on with my life.
I received the first set of supplies needed in preparation for one of my surgeries today. I'm going through and checking them against the shipping manifest with that determined grimness above, knowing full well that the road to recovery is going take nearly a year post-op. It's one thing to know you're going under the knife but it's quite another to see and hold supplies in your hand that you're going to use during a painful recovery.
Do I want to undergo these treatments? To my surprise, the answer is yes. As horrible as it may be, I just want to be healthy again and to avoid surgery merely means putting off the inevitable.
There is a certain calmness that comes from that special mix of deep primal fear coupled with a profound sense of rightness. I'm going through a fearful time knowing that there will be intense protracted pain but my redemption lies in focusing on the fact that there will be healthy normality at the end.
This year is shaping up to be a scary one; if everything goes as planned, I'll probably be having at least one surgery, perhaps up to three. One surgery is going to arrest (and hopefully reverse but not completely) an issue that is making me slowly blind in one eye. The other ones are all Condition-related.
I remember when I was young and healthy - surgery was what old people and distant relatives went through. Now, having been operated upon quite a number of times, I will admit that the fear is still very much there but there's a certain grim determination to just get it over with so that I can get on with my life.
I received the first set of supplies needed in preparation for one of my surgeries today. I'm going through and checking them against the shipping manifest with that determined grimness above, knowing full well that the road to recovery is going take nearly a year post-op. It's one thing to know you're going under the knife but it's quite another to see and hold supplies in your hand that you're going to use during a painful recovery.
Do I want to undergo these treatments? To my surprise, the answer is yes. As horrible as it may be, I just want to be healthy again and to avoid surgery merely means putting off the inevitable.
There is a certain calmness that comes from that special mix of deep primal fear coupled with a profound sense of rightness. I'm going through a fearful time knowing that there will be intense protracted pain but my redemption lies in focusing on the fact that there will be healthy normality at the end.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Deep Blue
I tend to be pretty high energy these days but every now and then, I do fall into a deep funk. I'm not normally a depressive type - when I'm down, there's usually a good reason and I snap out of it either within hours or at worst the next day.
I do understand depression; folks like me tend to be depressed as a side-effect of our Condition, but this goes away as we are treated. Since my full treatment began nearly a year ago, the mind-killing depression has gone away almost completely. I say almost because there's still quite a ways to go before the treatment's fully done. What I have seen of it is quite an amazing change though.
Condition and its treatment aside, life still happens. The past month and a half or so have been particularly stressful and today was probably one of the two sharp spikes of peaking stress I've experienced thus far. Compared to other times in the past, perhaps it's not as bad but I've been feeling very worn around the edges for some time, so my immunity to changes is very very low. I know this for a fact because an area of the treatment for my Condition have been excruciatingly painful lately, far far more than it ever has been.
I'll be honest here - I had second thoughts about posting this entry. Depression isn't something you blog about, leastways not if you don't want it to haunt your future when your online identity is compromised. Having said that, I'm not exactly whining about it - this isn't an entry about "oh no poor me I'm so blue". I know I'm blue now but I also know things will be better in the morning. Depression seems to have a social stigma...but it's a part of everyone's life, young or old, rich or poor, single or partnered. Hiding that fact it exists, that it can strike the healthiest, most well-adjusted person is just dumb and won't solve anything.
Am I depressed right now? Yes, and I even know which particular stressor pushed me down this path. But I'll snap out of it in the morning. I believe that accepting it as a normal, transient condition is the healthy approach. Your thoughts?
Having said all that, I still hate it when it happens during a bout of insomnia. :(
I do understand depression; folks like me tend to be depressed as a side-effect of our Condition, but this goes away as we are treated. Since my full treatment began nearly a year ago, the mind-killing depression has gone away almost completely. I say almost because there's still quite a ways to go before the treatment's fully done. What I have seen of it is quite an amazing change though.
Condition and its treatment aside, life still happens. The past month and a half or so have been particularly stressful and today was probably one of the two sharp spikes of peaking stress I've experienced thus far. Compared to other times in the past, perhaps it's not as bad but I've been feeling very worn around the edges for some time, so my immunity to changes is very very low. I know this for a fact because an area of the treatment for my Condition have been excruciatingly painful lately, far far more than it ever has been.
I'll be honest here - I had second thoughts about posting this entry. Depression isn't something you blog about, leastways not if you don't want it to haunt your future when your online identity is compromised. Having said that, I'm not exactly whining about it - this isn't an entry about "oh no poor me I'm so blue". I know I'm blue now but I also know things will be better in the morning. Depression seems to have a social stigma...but it's a part of everyone's life, young or old, rich or poor, single or partnered. Hiding that fact it exists, that it can strike the healthiest, most well-adjusted person is just dumb and won't solve anything.
Am I depressed right now? Yes, and I even know which particular stressor pushed me down this path. But I'll snap out of it in the morning. I believe that accepting it as a normal, transient condition is the healthy approach. Your thoughts?
Having said all that, I still hate it when it happens during a bout of insomnia. :(
Raw Soylent Green
It's been a very eventful two weeks thus far. In that time, I've had my responsibility increased in several non-family areas. On the one hand, I'm flattered and overawed by the trust that these folks have placed in me. On the other hand, I'm quite daunted by the tasks ahead of me.
Just last September, I was in a nice, solitary existence where I didn't have to deal with people much. That's been the case for as long as I can remember. Suddenly, I'm in not one but three (soon to be four) massively people-oriented positions.
I think it happened because I stopped calling people "Humans" or "Expendable Resources" or "Raw Soylent Green". Somehow, somewhere along the line, I started to care.
I've always been able to navigate my way through complex mechanical and electronic systems. Nowadays, I can see the complex systems that make up people's hopes and fears. It's not some magical revelation - I just didn't give a hoot about people in general (other than a very small and select group of friends and family) up until quite recently. Now that I do, I think the folks around me are a little gobsmacked that I'm interested in listening and helping them out. Once they've assured themselves that no, I haven't picked their pockets and that all their limbs are still intact, they're opening up to me.
It's quite an amazing feeling, really, to be in a position to hear and help other people overcome hurdles in their lives. I'm quite surprised that I can honestly say that there isn't even a tiny piece of me that still says, "Fools! Be lulled into your false sense of security and bring your neck closer! Bwahahahahahahaha!"
I blame this change on the treatment for my Condition. Or that I'm starting to believe in my own propaganda about Sweetness and Light. Ack.
Just last September, I was in a nice, solitary existence where I didn't have to deal with people much. That's been the case for as long as I can remember. Suddenly, I'm in not one but three (soon to be four) massively people-oriented positions.
I think it happened because I stopped calling people "Humans" or "Expendable Resources" or "Raw Soylent Green". Somehow, somewhere along the line, I started to care.
I've always been able to navigate my way through complex mechanical and electronic systems. Nowadays, I can see the complex systems that make up people's hopes and fears. It's not some magical revelation - I just didn't give a hoot about people in general (other than a very small and select group of friends and family) up until quite recently. Now that I do, I think the folks around me are a little gobsmacked that I'm interested in listening and helping them out. Once they've assured themselves that no, I haven't picked their pockets and that all their limbs are still intact, they're opening up to me.
It's quite an amazing feeling, really, to be in a position to hear and help other people overcome hurdles in their lives. I'm quite surprised that I can honestly say that there isn't even a tiny piece of me that still says, "Fools! Be lulled into your false sense of security and bring your neck closer! Bwahahahahahahaha!"
I blame this change on the treatment for my Condition. Or that I'm starting to believe in my own propaganda about Sweetness and Light. Ack.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Catching up
First off, thanks very much to G & S who kindly suggested options for the whole privacy issue in the previous entry - I'm taking a look at some options myself and I'll be in contact with you two in the next few days. Thank you both!
This is mostly a catch-up entry. I've been running pretty ragged lately and just haven't had time to relax. This is something I'm remedying posthaste now that I'm aware of it.
So, what's happened lately? Well, I've been pretty absorbed with my job which is taking up a very large portion of my time and consciousness. On the personal side, there's a few very significant things happening. For one, I've been voted into a expanded role with one of the local non-profits here, which means that I can now influence policy at the provincial (state) level. Sounds heady, doesn't it? Not really - it just means I'm now working during my non-office, personal hours as an unpaid paper-pusher...but even bureaucrats can do real good for the community, I hope.
Let's see...I've already touched on the whole medical thingy. Oh yes, I'm also rethinking how I'm relating to my family. I've realized that I've swung too far in the opposite end of the scale in involving my family's needs in my thinking. I need to find a healthy balance between taking care of my family *and* myself instead of placing either one above the other. I need to find some alone time for myself so I continue my delicate tap-dance on that razor edge dividing unhealthy self-sacrifice and selfishness...
...which brings me to my latest toy: a satellite radio receiver. Yes, I did finally find a use for that money I mentioned in Desiring nothing. I've been looking at those for quite some time now but never took the plunge because of the very steep costs involved. First you have to get a satellite radio, which isn't cheap. Then you need to buy the subscription, which *definitely* expensive. All for what appears to be programming that you can get for free with broadcast radio. To complicate matters, there's two competing companies in that marketspace. Yes, I know they're trying to merge but until the Feds allow it, they're still two separate companies with two separate offerings.
Traditionally, the choice between the two companies (Sirius and XM) depends on what kind of a sports fan you are, which is completely useless to me given that I don't watch sports at all. Eventually, what swayed me was access to NPR, the Beeb and dedicated Old Time Radio and opera channels. Once I started using satellite radio, I was hooked - it's not just the lack of commercials (you don't really realize how annoying those are until you use satellite radio) but the quality of programming.
I was pleasantly surprised by two aspects of satellite radio: because they display the singer/composer and title of the song playing, I'm delightfully finding out the details of songs I've heard for years but didn't have a clue about. Yes, I know that broadcast radio has something similar with the Radio Data System but most receivers don't support it. The other aspect was bittersweet: I've got deteriorating vision and my primary source of news, data and entertainment has always been visual...until now. It's *soooooo* relaxing to be able to turn on my satellite radio, close my eyes and still get my hit of news or stories.
Well, that's pretty much about it and I think I've caught up. Bored yet? :)
This is mostly a catch-up entry. I've been running pretty ragged lately and just haven't had time to relax. This is something I'm remedying posthaste now that I'm aware of it.
So, what's happened lately? Well, I've been pretty absorbed with my job which is taking up a very large portion of my time and consciousness. On the personal side, there's a few very significant things happening. For one, I've been voted into a expanded role with one of the local non-profits here, which means that I can now influence policy at the provincial (state) level. Sounds heady, doesn't it? Not really - it just means I'm now working during my non-office, personal hours as an unpaid paper-pusher...but even bureaucrats can do real good for the community, I hope.
Let's see...I've already touched on the whole medical thingy. Oh yes, I'm also rethinking how I'm relating to my family. I've realized that I've swung too far in the opposite end of the scale in involving my family's needs in my thinking. I need to find a healthy balance between taking care of my family *and* myself instead of placing either one above the other. I need to find some alone time for myself so I continue my delicate tap-dance on that razor edge dividing unhealthy self-sacrifice and selfishness...
...which brings me to my latest toy: a satellite radio receiver. Yes, I did finally find a use for that money I mentioned in Desiring nothing. I've been looking at those for quite some time now but never took the plunge because of the very steep costs involved. First you have to get a satellite radio, which isn't cheap. Then you need to buy the subscription, which *definitely* expensive. All for what appears to be programming that you can get for free with broadcast radio. To complicate matters, there's two competing companies in that marketspace. Yes, I know they're trying to merge but until the Feds allow it, they're still two separate companies with two separate offerings.
Traditionally, the choice between the two companies (Sirius and XM) depends on what kind of a sports fan you are, which is completely useless to me given that I don't watch sports at all. Eventually, what swayed me was access to NPR, the Beeb and dedicated Old Time Radio and opera channels. Once I started using satellite radio, I was hooked - it's not just the lack of commercials (you don't really realize how annoying those are until you use satellite radio) but the quality of programming.
I was pleasantly surprised by two aspects of satellite radio: because they display the singer/composer and title of the song playing, I'm delightfully finding out the details of songs I've heard for years but didn't have a clue about. Yes, I know that broadcast radio has something similar with the Radio Data System but most receivers don't support it. The other aspect was bittersweet: I've got deteriorating vision and my primary source of news, data and entertainment has always been visual...until now. It's *soooooo* relaxing to be able to turn on my satellite radio, close my eyes and still get my hit of news or stories.
Well, that's pretty much about it and I think I've caught up. Bored yet? :)
Friday, February 1, 2008
Evolution
I think everyone evolves as they go through life. I don't mean that folks will grow wings or appendages or whatnot - I simply mean that we don't stay who we are for long.
This entry is the third I've written in the past few weeks but it's the only one I'm posting. When started blogging, it was the right thing to do - I had been journaling in my Moleskine for quite a while prior to that and it was the right time to share my life with my friends and family. I still want to do that...but I'm not sure I'm comfortable having complete strangers looking at my life. This basically means that blogging is out if I want access control over my entries. I'm not entirely sure what medium I should shift to - if any of you have an idea, I'd love to hear it.
I'm coming up to a very important date in my long medical saga - again, one of those things that I'm not going to air details in public on. Suffice to say that it's given me cause to pause and reconsider my course of treatment. This reevaluation is routine; I regularly check to see how I'm feeling and if I'm still feeling okay with the rather intrusive treatment. So far, so good.
I have a pile of paperwork to do - the bane of management everywhere. I suppose I should stop procrastinating and get started on it. *sigh*
This entry is the third I've written in the past few weeks but it's the only one I'm posting. When started blogging, it was the right thing to do - I had been journaling in my Moleskine for quite a while prior to that and it was the right time to share my life with my friends and family. I still want to do that...but I'm not sure I'm comfortable having complete strangers looking at my life. This basically means that blogging is out if I want access control over my entries. I'm not entirely sure what medium I should shift to - if any of you have an idea, I'd love to hear it.
I'm coming up to a very important date in my long medical saga - again, one of those things that I'm not going to air details in public on. Suffice to say that it's given me cause to pause and reconsider my course of treatment. This reevaluation is routine; I regularly check to see how I'm feeling and if I'm still feeling okay with the rather intrusive treatment. So far, so good.
I have a pile of paperwork to do - the bane of management everywhere. I suppose I should stop procrastinating and get started on it. *sigh*
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