Wings of light

I've been through a lot lately, most of which I'd rather not have gone through. However, the good thing about being an emotional basketcase is that you really get to feel your emotions. No, it's not just about the recent breakup although that certainly acted as a catalyst. You see, I've been in a bit of a mid-life crisis lately. With so many things changing, I felt that I've lost my way. I think you've all sensed it here in my blog entries lately.

Tonight, while driving to have dinner with my family, I just started crying at the wheel as this massive wave of emotions hit me all at once: sadness, disappointment, fear and frustration just all came to a head. I'm overwhelmed and I have lost my way. Up until I had my first surgery over a year and a half ago, I had been driving towards the goal being cured. Then, I had my surgery...and stuff came up as some of you know. Since then, it's been a slow painful climb up from that pit of disappointment and anger. I had my cathartic release in Victoria last year, which allowed me to purge the worst of it out of my soul by pinning it on paper - I wrote nearly 20 pages in my journal during that last night before I left Victoria. I think my anger burnt itself out there, in the peaceful greenery of that flower garden. I could feel other things aside from anger once more...and I think my real healing began that night, that which should have happened post-surgery.

Lately I've been facing this question: now what? What do I do now? No one mentions what happens afterwards. Everyone goes on with their lives. That's what I'm trying to do but I'm very goal-driven. Without a clear idea of where I wanted to be, I was lost.

Tonight, I think I've glimpsed a direction that I'd like to go in.

The ballet? That's a goal for me. I have never been beautiful, graceful, feminine before. Now I have a chance of feeling so and I don't intend to let it pass by.

The closeness my family and I have these days? That's still a work in progress. I need to be a better sister. I need to be a better aunt/parent to the kids. I don't really understand martial arts but I will be there when my sis receives her new belt when she passes her test. I don't think I'm going to be able to remember all the critters and characters of this particular fantasy world but darned it, I'm going to try because that's all that the kids talk about these days. And yes, I'm going to keep teaching the kids how to play strategy games and play well. Given that one of the kids now come to me unasked (which neither of them have ever done before), unceremoniously plopped himself on my lap and began nattering on about some story I have no context to, I think I'm well on my way to this goal. :)

The volunteer work as a teacher? That's a goal for my community. I never thought about giving back in my previous life but now, I get that it's important to give back. It's the children of our country and they're the future. I travelled halfway around the world and worked for nearly a decade to be Canadian. No, I'm not going to just sit back and let the religious right teach lies to our children. I'm not going to leave our teachers unsupported. Most of all, I'm not going to pass up the chance to inspire our kids to reach for the stars. The next war isn't going to be fought with guns nor rocks. It will be fought in our classrooms, in our lecture halls and in the think-tanks. The prizes are the truth and innovation. I will not stand idly by and watch the truth be covered over by religious dogma. I will not simply allow our national edge in science and technological innovation be eroded and overtaken by others.

I need to start seeing the world through more than just logic and reason. I need to begin listening with my heart. I need to wrap my words with love. I need to comfort with compassion. I need to uplift with a joy for the beauty that surrounds us and is in us all.

On my drive home tonight, there was a lot of moisture in the air and the street lamps were casting these wings of light over the roads and pushing back the darkness. It may not seem like much to most of you, but for someone with poor eyesight, they're like guardian angels showing the way home. They're beautiful.