Armour

In the older editions of D&D, you get slower and less agile as you don more armour. This intuitively makes sense as someone clanking around in full plate probably isn't going to be the best runner or swimmer in the party. On the other hand, that shifty-looking chap in black leather armour (which always seem to have bright metal studding despite its stealth-negation properties) is probably someone you'd send to walk along that tightrope to grab that McGuffin inexplicably hovering over the chasm.

In these modern times, we don't have too many armoured knights or stealthy rogues around any longer. However, each and every one of us do still don armour, just armour of a different sort. Our weapons are no longer swords and knives but words. As such, we all harden our soul against them to survive.

In my previous life, I had very thick emotional armour on, which also made me rather thick to what was going on around me - but that was exactly what it was meant to do. I survived many conflicts, some of them I didn't even notice. But now,  I don't have as much armour on, partly because I chose to trade security for flexibility and partly because I can't fight biological imperatives.

I can honestly say that I have experienced more pain and heartache in the past few years than I have had in my entire lifetime. But I have also experienced more joy and laughter in the past few years than I have had in my entire lifetime too.

Now, I am at a crossroads once more. I have the option of hardening my soul again, to protect myself so I feel less pain but at the cost of feeling less, period, in life. Or, I could continue down this vulnerable path I'm already on, braving whatever harm existence chooses to incur on me.

I've pondered this for quite a while. In the end, it came down to family, deciding which of the two would bring me closer to them, to comfort them, to laugh, to cry, to share in their lives. In that light, there can be only one choice.

Having emotional armour is great as it stops you from being hurt. But it also stops you from feeling the hugs from those who love you. And for one hug from the kids, I would willingly suffer a thousand unkind words.

Standards

Everyone has standards, even if they're not consciously aware of them. I can say that with confidence because everyone has "lines" they "won't cross", or matters that they espouse to be "right" or "wrong".

I have standards too. However, I have had to re-examine some of them recently from my newfound perspective and discovered that I had to modify or simply invalidate some of those standards outright in my new social role.

Which means to me that standards, like morality, is an illusion that shifts from moment to moment and person to person. Yet we all cling to them as if it was the Word of God and use them to guide our lives.

Well, some of us anyway. Your standards on what constitutes a standard may be different from mine.

Ow, my head hurts. I should really stop thinking about matters like these at midnight...

Authenticity

I have never seen myself as a rebel ever before in my life and I still don't. For as long as I remember, I've worked within whichever system I found myself in, embracing it and changing it from the inside toward what I believed to be a better future.

So it was with quite a bit of surprise when I discovered rather abruptly a few weeks ago that I wasn't as mainstream and lily-white as I thought I was. I still don't consider myself a rebel, as I am not demonstrably bucking the system - I am merely going down the roads less travelled.  In this regard, I am not changing the system for a greater good. I am pursuing personal goals outside of the system, into what is still considered uncharted territory by the majority.

This had been going on for a long time, which was why I never noticed it. This shift accumulated bit by bit over the years until it piled up and could not be ignored. My Condition accounted for a lot of it, but definitely wasn't all of it, not by a long shot. So, with my Condition resolved some time back, this other stuff started coming to the forefront.

Some of it dealt with a past I had buried deep inside me for good reason. I'm still excavating those dark areas and bringing them to light. It is...quite unpleasant.

Some of it dealt with matters I never felt free nor right enough to explore. In these areas, I have found joy, wonderment and best of all, peace.

I can't say that I'm happy with my life right now but for the first time, I am truly and I mean truly living the life that really is mine.

Roll of the dice

With people, you can never really know what to expect. People are so unpredictable because the environment we live in is unpredictable. So, when I need to have a serious conversation with a friend, I have always approached it with cautious optimism.

Sometimes, that optimism is dashed by the friend's sudden and unpredictable hostility. Other times, I linger in limbo when I can't tell if my friend's taken it well or not.

Fortunately, it does not appear that I have lost any friends during my round of serious talks with them last week. It's taught me to be grateful that most people are inherently good, even when you shake the foundations of what they know to have been true for most of their lives.

I'm fortunate and blessed to have the friends I have. So to all of you, thank you.

The Present Past

All of us have a history that we write with every breath we take regardless of whether there is anyone to see it or not. Some of us who have live, truly lived, will have a history that is worth telling.

I am not one of those. I am doomed to tell my boring story over and over again in the interests of honesty.

I hit the reset button on my life nearly 2 years ago and most of the people I interact with in everyday life are none the wiser. Unfortunately, when it comes to a close friendship or any deeper relationship, I maintain that they have a Right to Know about certain interesting bits of my past. I'm not going to force it down their throats, but I will come clean about certain matters. It works well because if they're going to reject me, it's best they reject me sooner than later. That and I'd rather that they know directly from me rather than some other way. It's safer and it's also a matter of respect and trust.

Simply because it works well doesn't mean it's easy. I hate having these conversations and I hate having to have these conversations every time a friendship grows from "casual" to "close". I'm never really sure if I will lose my friend or not during that chat and it's very stressful as you might imagine.

Last night, I had that chat with 3 different people. This weekend, I'm having that chat with 2 more. The three went well, I think. Time will tell; it has been my experience that how people react at the moment of disclosure may change radically when they've had a chance to think about it. I'll leave them alone for a few days and then see if they're still answering my calls. There is always the chance that they will not.

The 2 this weekend may be a bit of a challenge. Based on statistics gathered on a similar matter, I figure that I have about a 10% chance of a positive response. If that happens, great...but I'm going to plan for that 90% chance of it not being a positive response. I doubt any of the people I know will react physically in an extreme manner but one can never really tell.

*sigh* Sometimes I wish I had kept my mouth shut. But I doubt that I would have been blessed with so many friends and family who have stood by me as I underwent the medical treatments in the past 3 years had I not been honest with them. Thus, honesty appears to be the best policy.

I'm having trouble sleeping these days. But I can still look myself in the mirror, and that is what counts.

Carpe diem

Those of you who know me well can probably count on a single hand the number of times you've seen me relax. Some of you may have never ever seen me relaxed. No, really - the last time I did let go enough of my daily stress was when I was stargazing and if you were there, it'd be pitch dark so you literally couldn't have seen me relaxed, right? :)

There's been quite a few changes since my surgery last year, some bad, some good. I wasn't expecting an increase in happiness or anything like that; I had expected things to stay mostly the same. Fortunately for me, it hasn't. Some rather delightful changes have happened which have caught me completely by surprise. So now, I'm giddily exploring options and interests that had previously been closed to me.

I do admit, it's been quite nice.

For example, I seem to be more susceptible to good romantic poetry now. And surprisingly, my interest in flowers have been rekindled. I know this will shock most of you - I like sunlight in my room. In fact, my sis and I will be rearranging my room soon so that I can wake up in the morning to the gentle warming caress of sunlight.

Oh, and framed art in my room when we redecorate. And a vase or two for fresh flowers, when I'm fortunate enough to get them.

Most of all, I have a life outside of work now! Friends I can talk to, communal activities and joy to be had.

As with all things, I realize that it too shall pass. For as long as I have it, I shall be unabashed to explore that which is fulfilling and joyful.