The Present Past

All of us have a history that we write with every breath we take regardless of whether there is anyone to see it or not. Some of us who have live, truly lived, will have a history that is worth telling.

I am not one of those. I am doomed to tell my boring story over and over again in the interests of honesty.

I hit the reset button on my life nearly 2 years ago and most of the people I interact with in everyday life are none the wiser. Unfortunately, when it comes to a close friendship or any deeper relationship, I maintain that they have a Right to Know about certain interesting bits of my past. I'm not going to force it down their throats, but I will come clean about certain matters. It works well because if they're going to reject me, it's best they reject me sooner than later. That and I'd rather that they know directly from me rather than some other way. It's safer and it's also a matter of respect and trust.

Simply because it works well doesn't mean it's easy. I hate having these conversations and I hate having to have these conversations every time a friendship grows from "casual" to "close". I'm never really sure if I will lose my friend or not during that chat and it's very stressful as you might imagine.

Last night, I had that chat with 3 different people. This weekend, I'm having that chat with 2 more. The three went well, I think. Time will tell; it has been my experience that how people react at the moment of disclosure may change radically when they've had a chance to think about it. I'll leave them alone for a few days and then see if they're still answering my calls. There is always the chance that they will not.

The 2 this weekend may be a bit of a challenge. Based on statistics gathered on a similar matter, I figure that I have about a 10% chance of a positive response. If that happens, great...but I'm going to plan for that 90% chance of it not being a positive response. I doubt any of the people I know will react physically in an extreme manner but one can never really tell.

*sigh* Sometimes I wish I had kept my mouth shut. But I doubt that I would have been blessed with so many friends and family who have stood by me as I underwent the medical treatments in the past 3 years had I not been honest with them. Thus, honesty appears to be the best policy.

I'm having trouble sleeping these days. But I can still look myself in the mirror, and that is what counts.