Future delusions

I've been pondering the future for quite a while and one career path that has become viable lately has been to become a Crazy Cat Lady.

Traditionally, this meant taking care of a horde of evil cats, muttering to oneself until death, whereupon the demise isn't noted for weeks until the police arrive and...never mind, it's not particularly pertinent.

I must admit that being a Crazy Cat Lady does have a certain appeal. For one thing, it's really quite distinctive: every block / neighbourhood / town / whatever generally has exactly one and only one Crazy Cat Lady. Everyone knows about her. And her death will be mourned by...well...someone else I'm sure. Probably not her neighbours though.

So, after some extensive thought, I've decided to get an early start on it. I now am the proud owner of 11 imaginary cats of all breeds, all named using prime numbers thusly: 2+i, 3+i, 5+i, 7+i,...

They can a bit of nuisance sometimes and I've always found it rather odd that the rest of them keep picking on 2+i, like as if she's different or something. I'm also wondering if I should have started off with quite that many cats - I still need to do the math as to whether this is really a factor. Having said that, I don't see any negatives in any of them. Plus, there's also a lot of misinformation about how to acquire more cats - I'll have to sieve the fact from fiction.

Hmm...the largest, fattest one (31+i) constantly demands my attention. I numbered them for convenience because I expect to have no problems getting a near infinite number of cats though the fact that they're imaginary does add a level of complexity to it. But "31+i" is a bit of a mouthful, even within my delusions. I'm thinking of naming her Mersenne - it's such a pretty name, wouldn't you agree?

My friends think I'm off my rocker. Perhaps they're right.

Fame

My dear sister made the local newspaper recently! She attended a charity event a few weeks ago to help raise funds for a local medical care centre. I don't think she was expecting or even had knowledge of it, but there was a reporter in the crowd and out of all the volunteers and glitterati there, the reporter chose her pic as one of the handful featured in the article! Of course, the fact that's positively stunning in traditional Chinese dress probably had something to do with it as well!

For as long as I can remember, she's always self-identified as an artist first and foremost. Sure enough, she's identified in the article as an artist!

I did ask her if she'll remember me when she's famous (she said "Yes") and if she'll give me money when she's got gobs of it (she answered "No"). *sigh* Fame corrupts so easily! :)

Joking aside, I'm soooooooooooo proud of her! She's worked amazingly hard for years to get her craft business off the ground and perfect her artistry. She does amazing things to leather, transforming a base piece of cowhide into painted, hand-sculpted masks of breathtaking beauty. I'm about as artistic as a lump of coal...and even I "get" some of her masks. It can be quite tough to succeed as an artist of any kind and it's usually a thankless task with long hours and little appreciation to show for it. I think it's positively fantastic that she's finally getting the recognition she deserves.

I can't wait to see what she does next! Congrats, sis!

A Hope for Peace

I had a good long chat with my friend who is recovering from surgery similar to what I'm scheduled to have. She's had a nasty time of it, with pain-filled days as recovery happens ever so slowly. Despite all that, she's quite cheerful today and she remarked that the day felt odd to her but that she's finally figured out why. She said that she's finally at peace, and that is going to take her a while to get used to.

I understand that that is a common sentiment amongst my fellow sufferers of the Condition, that there is a serenity so deep that can only come post-operatively.

I'm not sure I know what to think of that. I don't believe I've ever felt completely at peace and certainly nowhere near serene. But...it would be quite pleasant to finally rest after what really was a lifetime of dealing with the Condition. And I suspect that very well be the key, that the sense of serenity comes from knowing that that part of my life will be resolved forevermore.

Truth be told, all the problems of life are still there post-operatively: the bills, taxes, work, etc. But, like the Bene Gesserit Litany, where the fear has gone there will be nothing - only I remain.

Meanwhile, I'll just go hide over there under the surgery happens, shall I?

"The clock is running"

Today was a day of frenetic telephone calls related to surgery whereupon I found out that my surgery date got moved a day earlier. Nothing major but I was feeling pretty drained after all that, plus I had a very bad night because of some gory details of the impending operation had been told to me by a friend who at this very moment, has undergone the same procedure herself and is under a great deal of pain. In fact, she had some major complications with her medications today, which led to the doctors placing her back under observation. Long story short, I'm at the cusp of clearing all the hurdles, but not quite. It's hard to live life when so much of it is in the hands of strangers.

I headed home early because of the snowfall warning that was in effect. Lo and behold, there was a letter from the provincial health authorities in the mailbox. I got home, opened it in the car and read it.

Back during the heady days of the Moon Race, the phrase "the clock is running" meant that the rocket and crew have successfully lifted off and on their way into space.

The answer from the provincial health authorities was in the affirmative and the authorization to go ahead with the surgery has been granted. All in all, from when I first became aware of the possibility I may have the Condition to when the surgery will correct it will have been 3 years total, give or take a week or so. Even though it's been hours since I first read the letter, I'm still a little dazed and afraid to believe it.

I'm still not out of the woods yet - I was notified by the surgeon's office that I will be receiving additional instructions by mail next week. I assume this is the mandatory blood test, which if they find anything objectionable will cause me to get bounced back to the provincial authorities to await reassignment to the secondary surgeon. The clock's running, but I haven't "cleared the tower" yet.

Less than two months to go before I'm rid of the Condition. So close yet so far.

Reflections from the other side

Up until a few years ago, I had quite a good memory. This was both good and bad. Good in a sense that I can keep track of quite a long list in my head (and therefore delaying the day that my PDA would implode as I added more to-do items to it) and other such practical skills. Bad because when I've read a book, I've *read* the book; should I ever pick it up again, there's not much point re-reading it as I will already know how it's going to end.

Back in mid-2001, something very significant and blessed occurred in my life which ultimately resulted in the erosion of my memory retention capabilities. I think it's the pretty severe sleep deprivation back then that did me in. Regardless, I'm rather pleased to have lost quite a bit of my memory retention capabilities because now I could finally enjoy previously-read books again!

In the past half a year or so, I've experienced something similar but quite special and wonderful: I've begun seeing life from the other side. It took me a little while to come to grasp with the implications but I'm finding that life is a lot richer and deeper than it appears at first glance. You know those visual trick pictures, the ones where if you look at it one way, it looks like a lamp or an old lady, but if you look at it another way, it turns out to be two faces talking or a young lady? Well, I'm discovering that life is *exactly* like that...only most people get to see just one picture, just one side of the coin. I'm privileged (and perhaps unfortunate) enough to be able to see both pictures, both sides of the coin - should I choose to.

I have. It's pretty marvelous and depressing at the same time. For one thing, I'm experiencing a world where logic isn't all-important. Four years ago, if you had told me that's what I'd be viewing the world as, I'd would have been quite incensed. Now, like the Magic Eye 3D puzzles, everything is starting to pop into view as my neural pathways remap themselves. All I can say is Wow and that I wished I could have seen it sooner and therefore been kinder and more charitable to those I love.

Perhaps an example will help. There is a game called DefCon and if you've ever watched the movie WarGames, you'll be immediately familiar with the premise and gameplay. On the very strong and enthusiastic exhortation of a friend, I tried the demo. DefCon is a beautiful game, well-executed, elegant, complex yet simple with a truly amazing atmospheric in-game soundtrack that sent chills down my spine. However, I couldn't play the game beyond the first 15 minutes; it made me very depressed and brought me on the verge of tears at the whole senselessness of war. That in of itself is a testament exactly how great and well-designed DefCon is - as a developer and gamer, I recommend it strongly if it's your cup of tea. But I didn't pick it up because I simply couldn't bear it.

For the folks who know me, I'm walking away from a beautiful game with subs and nuclear missiles. Willingly, because it disturbs me to the point of tears. Think about it. :)

I'm not going to pretend that life is full of roses - if there's anyone who's gone through some pretty strange life experiences, it'd be me. Having said that, the world is new once more...and I get a second chance to either do better than before or mess it up all over again. Which I could be doing, had I possessed a better memory to recall how I messed up previously.

*sigh*

Sometimes, you just can't win against irony.

Testing testing

This is a test. No need to duck and cover, folks - just trying out my brand new upgrade to MacJournal 5.0.4 that’s supposedly able to let me post directly to my blog here.

Xeno's Paradox

Well, I drove to another city for an appointment with my medical case officer yesterday. 3 hours to drive up, 15 minutes to meet with him and another 3 hours to drive home. Whee.

I was hoping this would be the conclusion of a medical epic that I would really really like to close off so I can get on with my life. Alas, it was not to be.

My medical case officer has rendered a decision upon my case and sent off the paperwork to the province for approval. His diagnosis is, I think, the right one but it's now out of his hands. Great, now I get to wait on the provincial government to get off its collective rear ends to render its judgment.

*sigh*

I've contacted the surgeon per my case officer's suggestion and secured a treatment date...which is all for naught if the province sits on my file for months.

I'm soooooooo close to the end I can almost taste it.

UPDATE: Yep, the emotional butterflies in the stomach have taken flight. I know the surgery is the right path, it's the idea of going under the knife again that's causing a great deal of fear and uncertainty. I've had major surgery before but never quite the immobilized-in-bed-for-a-week major. I understand some people go through this alone; I am sooooooooo glad my sister is coming for part of the time, bless her heart.

UPDATE #2: Oh fudge, I guess I'd better get used to binocular astronomy, as I probably won't be able to lift anything substantial post-surgery. *sigh*