Reflections from the other side

Up until a few years ago, I had quite a good memory. This was both good and bad. Good in a sense that I can keep track of quite a long list in my head (and therefore delaying the day that my PDA would implode as I added more to-do items to it) and other such practical skills. Bad because when I've read a book, I've *read* the book; should I ever pick it up again, there's not much point re-reading it as I will already know how it's going to end.

Back in mid-2001, something very significant and blessed occurred in my life which ultimately resulted in the erosion of my memory retention capabilities. I think it's the pretty severe sleep deprivation back then that did me in. Regardless, I'm rather pleased to have lost quite a bit of my memory retention capabilities because now I could finally enjoy previously-read books again!

In the past half a year or so, I've experienced something similar but quite special and wonderful: I've begun seeing life from the other side. It took me a little while to come to grasp with the implications but I'm finding that life is a lot richer and deeper than it appears at first glance. You know those visual trick pictures, the ones where if you look at it one way, it looks like a lamp or an old lady, but if you look at it another way, it turns out to be two faces talking or a young lady? Well, I'm discovering that life is *exactly* like that...only most people get to see just one picture, just one side of the coin. I'm privileged (and perhaps unfortunate) enough to be able to see both pictures, both sides of the coin - should I choose to.

I have. It's pretty marvelous and depressing at the same time. For one thing, I'm experiencing a world where logic isn't all-important. Four years ago, if you had told me that's what I'd be viewing the world as, I'd would have been quite incensed. Now, like the Magic Eye 3D puzzles, everything is starting to pop into view as my neural pathways remap themselves. All I can say is Wow and that I wished I could have seen it sooner and therefore been kinder and more charitable to those I love.

Perhaps an example will help. There is a game called DefCon and if you've ever watched the movie WarGames, you'll be immediately familiar with the premise and gameplay. On the very strong and enthusiastic exhortation of a friend, I tried the demo. DefCon is a beautiful game, well-executed, elegant, complex yet simple with a truly amazing atmospheric in-game soundtrack that sent chills down my spine. However, I couldn't play the game beyond the first 15 minutes; it made me very depressed and brought me on the verge of tears at the whole senselessness of war. That in of itself is a testament exactly how great and well-designed DefCon is - as a developer and gamer, I recommend it strongly if it's your cup of tea. But I didn't pick it up because I simply couldn't bear it.

For the folks who know me, I'm walking away from a beautiful game with subs and nuclear missiles. Willingly, because it disturbs me to the point of tears. Think about it. :)

I'm not going to pretend that life is full of roses - if there's anyone who's gone through some pretty strange life experiences, it'd be me. Having said that, the world is new once more...and I get a second chance to either do better than before or mess it up all over again. Which I could be doing, had I possessed a better memory to recall how I messed up previously.

*sigh*

Sometimes, you just can't win against irony.