Lost...and found

Yesterday, I drove up to Edmonton and for my last visit with the medical case officer who has been in charge of the treatment for my Condition. It was a pleasant but emotional visit and at the end, he gave me a hug and wished me well. After three long years, my case is now administratively closed as I'm cured.

I felt very lost and alone. For all those years, I had at least one doctor watching out for my well-being. In fact, it ended up being a cadre of doctors who coordinated amongst themselves to ensure that I had the best treatment possible. I can't say that I wasn't frustrated or that I agreed with their treatment plan all the time but it was obviously the right one. Now, I'm done - the last medical link to the Condition is now gone. I'm officially cured. Wow.

Now what do I do?

The obvious answer is to live this life that I have worked so hard to claim. I'm very goal-driven though and now, I have no major life goals left as my last one was "Get Cured from Condition". It troubled me deeply on the drive home and I had to stop several times to regain my calm.

The ballet class did its magic and purged me of a lot of the more negative emotions like despair. When I finally got home, I was very depressed but my sister (bless her heart) sat down with me and tried to cheer me up. Long story short, I went to bed still feeling very lost and confused.

When I woke up this morning, I was still feeling lost and confused and it remained that way for most of the day. So I did what was familiar and took stock of where I was and the possible future paths that I could follow. It kept coming back to the same two possbilities over and over again: resume my M. Sc. program in astrophysics...or I could study ballet and see just how far I can go.

Taking astrophysics again was very tempting. I'm already well down that path and there's a possibility of employment in that field when I'm done. Very bad pay compared to what I'm doing now but at least it's a job. Plus, there's a certain sparkle, an almost deliciously intimidating je ne sais quoi to astrophysics because it's considered to be really hard. It's not, really. Lots of hard, boring work though. And I've learnt so much from my studies. I can definitively say that since I started my studies in this field, I have understood far more about everyday, applicable science than I have at any other time. The kids are indirectly benefiting from it as well as their aunt is now well-prepared to answer their questions about the world around them, no matter how zany the question may be.

I'm a very poor dancer and I have virtually no stamina. I'm uncoordinated, untrained and old enough to be the mother of most of the kids in my adult ballet class. Older adults aren't really welcome in the ballet world; the adult ballet class is the only class that is never put on stage by the School. We're not expected to ever be good enough to perform and I can see why. It'll never translate into a paying job, not for someone as old as I am. In short, this should remain a hobby and nothing more. I've got 10 months of ballet classes already paid for and I'll follow through with it.

Taking all those factors into account, I think that choice is pretty clear, don't you think?

Yes, I'm choosing the path that will allow me to learn ballet.

Why? Astrophysics is very cerebral and I will always take the opportunity to learn more about it. It's the "right" and "smart" choice. However, ballet is an exacting art that requires graceful coordination to do correctly, let alone well. I have never been graceful and may never ever be graceful. However, I won't know until I try.

Art and beauty trumps hard science any day for me now. I suspect that I may have fallen on my head sometime in the last dance practice.

I've left a voicemail with the examinations coordinator at the School. I know that there are adults taking the Cecchetti examinations but I have heard that the examinations are also invite-only. In other words, my ballet mistress has to be a certified Cecchetti instructor and she has to think that I'm proficient enough to take an exam. I'm hoping that the examinations coordinator isn't going to slam this door in my face by flatly denying adults, any adults from taking the exams.

Yes, grading and exams are important to me in this area. I wish to have proof that I'm doing well in it as opposed to it being "recreational". It may still end up being recreational...but I would like to see just how far I can push myself in this over the next few years.

No, I'm not lost anymore. Just insanely optimistic.