Have you ever had that moment of sudden clarity as you realized something basic and unpleasant about yourself for the first time? One in which you realize, aghast, that it's been going on for years?
I was getting ready to go to bed tonight and I usually take my medications just before I turn off the light. As I opened my pill case, it struck me that there's an awful lot of pills in there. Looking up, I saw perhaps with perfect clarity for the first time, that there's a small city of pill bottles towering over the usual mess on my study tabletop. My nasal spray stands out like the dorsal fin of an orca amongst the shorter bottles, distinctive yet slightly menacing. I've never been as creeped out by my meds as I was tonight.
On my bed to one side, there's a small family of plush animals and I realized that roughly half of them were gifted to me when I was on a hospital bed or trying to recover from surgery. Hanging like a necklace over my largest teddy bear was my chest sensor for my heart monitor.
Dear gods in heaven, have I really been that sick?
I think I'm getting healthier. I hope I'm getting healthier. I believe I'm happier when I came back from Victoria in June. I had some major issues resolved and for the first time since my last surgery, I could look forward with a lighter heart towards the future.
I've been on medications for a long time now and will be on some of them for the rest of my life as my body no longer produces certain things that keep me sane and alive. I'm hoping to be off one of my meds come spring of next year. My nasal spray...will probably require more tests before I can come off it. As for the rest, I guess I'm stuck with them forever.
The irony of it all was that two years ago, I had to fight to even have these medications prescribed to me. I remember this one very low point in my life when I despaired of ever receiving the medical care and treatment I needed for my Condition. As I look at those three round pills in my pill case, one set per day, I realize that I'm actually quite fortunate to be receiving the medical care that I have right now. I'm also uncomfortably aware that I'd better have a good prescription plan for the rest of my life.
I hope to be able to see the kids happily marry and have children of their own. Continuity of the family is something very important to me. However, I realize that I had to take better care of myself if I would like to have a chance of seeing that day.
Gods, I feel old.
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3 comments:
I know a few people who will have to take an assortment of pills every day for the rest of their lives. Yes, it's creepy, some days it is depressing but over all each one of these people can savor the joy and happiness of taking part in their families lives. And for that each one of them will tell you - yes, it is most definately worth it!
Join the club, Kate! I myself and many other friends have one or more conditions that require ongoing treatment and medication. Some of them have been in that state more or less forever: asthma since they were kids etc.. I have found, lately, that it is actually helpful to think of myself as old because it kinda justifies all the medicine and reminds me that I won't live forever. We're all in this together.
I think that having you on meds and being able to participate in daily life is much better than watching you languish in a sick bed. You are an integral part of the family, and we love having fun with our favorite Auntie Kate! *hugs*
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