Relief

My job hunt is over and I have found a position that I am happy with. It has been a dark time for me, a period filled with doubts and fears. As some of you may know, this is a first for me in many ways. To all intents and purposes, my life is starting anew.

I wish I could say that I got the position out of sheer ability, charm and intelligence. I wish I could say that I held out for this long because I absolutely wanted the right job for me. I wish I could say all that...but it wouldn't be true. The reality is that I landed this job partly because of my work record, my charm and my ability. But more than anything else, I landed this job because I was fortunate enough to be at the right place at the right time giving the right answers to the right questions.

Not exactly the most optimal way to live one's life, having so many critical decisions dependent solely on chance.

I was talking with my sister the other night, bemoaning the fact that in my life, I have either had no trouble finding a job but had no one to cheer me on, or I had trouble finding a job but had many people cheering me on. She noted a little later that part of my difficulties stem from the fact that I'm not just looking for a job, I'm looking for a job that I can believe in.

Oh great, I'm a fanatic. :)

Truth be told, she's right. When I stop believing in my job, in the people I work with, that's when I get real unhappy. Naturally, happiness is not a sustainable state in any place of employment. But...this time I'm in management. Perhaps I can stave off the entropy a little longer.

I have been stunned and overwhelmed by the depth and breadth of support this time around. I can honestly say that I have never ever experienced it in my life. It's a nice feeling and I am deeply touched. Thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging words during this past dark time. And a special thank you for those of you who cared enough to give me a proverbial kick in the tush whenever I fell too deeply into self-pity.

I'm too horribly tired to blog much tonight. More later. :)

Limbo

There are two kinds of limbo that I know of (discounting the dance): stressful and relaxing. Relaxing limbo happens when you're on the beach at the start of your vacation, doing nothing but soaking in the sun with a tasty tropical drink by your side. Or just walking along the beach at sunset. Or losing yourself in a beautiful piece of classical music.

Stressful limbo is when you're waiting for something. Like a job offer. Which is apparently supposed to show up "either this afternoon or tomorrow morning". Generally, that's a good thing. However, there are little quirks here that I'm very unhappy about. So I'm stressed.

I generally have quite a bit of patience but this last month has eroded it quite a bit.

*sigh*

UPDATE: Well, it hasn't shown up "this afternoon". So either the job offer's not coming, or it's "tomorrow morning". Great, like I'm going to be able to sleep a wink tonight. It's driving me downright batty.

UPDATE 2: Well, it hasn't shown up "tomorrow morning" either. However, after giving a rather sharp poke at the recruiting agency, they made a verbal offer which was backed up by an official offer shortly after lunch. I've looked through it and accepted. So, I am officially not unemployed anymore but now "between jobs". The position is also middle management, so things will be quite interesting for everyone involved! And yes, God help us all. :)

Keeping up with the Joneses

This past week hasn't been a good one for me. Those of you who know me well will also know that sometimes I can be a real PitA when my perfectionism and/or competitive streak is aroused. I've always been very definitively a Type A personality for a long long time.

See, in my previous job, not everything was happiness and sunshine. It was an unusual company in that as a startup (prior to it being bought), it was a motley collection of really bright individuals. As anyone who's worked in the industry will tell you, bright doesn't necessarily mean smart. Suffice to say that everyone I worked with had their own little quirks, some of which made them quite hard to get along with. This does not absolve me from having my own little antisocial quirks either, so I truthfully lump myself with them.

One of the key characteristics of senior staff is self-confidence. You have the education, you have the experience and therefore the impossible merely take s little longer. When I was laid off, I was worried but not too worried as the market was reasonably healthy. The unspoken (and rather arrogant) assumption that I had made was that I could probably land a job faster than some of the less savoury ex-coworkers. That has proven to be a fallacy. I just found out yesterday that the three least-agreeable ex-coworkers have landed jobs and are starting work next week.

Suffice to say, this has not sat well with me and it's been a painful journey. Have I been too smug? Have I not tried hard enough? Am I simply not as good as I thought I was? Am I still employable? Am I overqualified?

Had I been my previous self, I'd be devastated. My life revolved around my work...to a large extent it still does. I'd experience various emotions, none of which would be positive.

The thing is, this new revelation has forced me (yet again) to reevaluate what is important to me. Why am I blogging this? Well, one of the points of this blog is to communicate with far-flung friends and family - this entry will either confirm your mental model of me, or cause another one to form. Regardless, it is a way for me to keep in touch.

I had to first confront my arrogance of expecting to land a job before these other folks. Since when did it become a race? I haven't a clue. Realistically, whether they land a job or not has no relevance to me directly - this is a just a blow to my ego at worst. They're not really occupying the same niche as I am in the industry nor is there a "prize" to be won if I got a job first. So why do I feel hurt and vulnerable? Simple: pride. I saw myself as being somehow better than them. Not exactly a smart, positive, caring or even realistic attitude to take but one which I just automatically assumed to be true. Hmm...I guess some bits of my old life are still haunting me. Some soul searching and moral reevaluation needs to happen, I think.

Am I trying hard enough? That's a tough one to answer. Have I been too smug? I don't think so. I haven't been blasting out resumes to every possible job yet. I'm only applying to the ones I feel I can make a clear positive contribution if I got it. I haven't really been lacking in interviews either - this past week was the only one that I didn't have any interviews at and that was partly by choice (I have my coursework to deal with) and because the poor interviewer was running for his flight and had to reschedule. I figure that maybe stepping up the effort may be in order soon...but I can look myself in the mirror and say that I have given it an honest effort. The worst thing I can do is to land a job that I'll hate - I think that's worse than being unemployed, at least while my severance lasts.

Am I simply not as good as I thought I was? Am I still employable? Equally tough questions. I honestly don't know if I'm as good as I think I am. I wish I could say yes. But I think the truthful answer is that it depends on the job. I may be very good in my areas of expertise but be abysmal at other things. I *think* I'm still employable. Leastways, I'm getting interviews at a roughly 50/50 ratio to things I'm sending out.

Am I overqualified? This is the painful one to answer. There are loads of jobs out there for juniors and intermediates. The jobs that my ex-coworkers landed? They're all junior or intermediate positions, hence my claim that we don't occupy the same niche. I have a clear idea of what I expect for compensation and I don't think it's unreasonable. But companies seem to prefer hiring more cheaper developers than a single senior one. I may have to readjust my salary expectations soon...but I really really hope not to.

Those of you who know me personally know that I left a lot of things behind earlier this year. During that time, not everyone was understanding of my situation - my city is a big city but a small town, if you know what I mean. Everyone knows everyone. When I lost my job, I sent out little feelers to my contacts in the industry. So far, none of them except for two have even bothered returning my calls. This is a radical change from before and as much as I am trying to find another reason for it, I think it has to do with me leaving my previous life behind. I think I'm finally running into the full consequences of that event. It's quite demoralizing to find what my "friends" really think of me when push comes to shove post-event.

I hate to bring this up but the whole "industry discriminates against women" thing has also been mentioned by a few friends of mine. I know the industry discriminates against women. I just never thought it'd happen to *me* - I'm still not sure I buy it. If it's true, then my disbelief is very much a stupid stick-head-in-sand attitude, isn't it? The numbers are there and I think the discrimination is genuine. I'm just trying not to go down that path. Once I start believing, truly believing that I'm being discriminated upon, I'm not sure I can ever recover from that. So I am choosing to ignore this possibility. Time will tell if if I'm right or wrong.

Complicating things further is that I'm trying to transition over to being a manager than a developer. Yes, I've done this before this time, I'm hoping to make it a permanent transition. It's hard to step away from the things I've worked for so long at. But...I'm finding that I prefer to work with people a lot more than just computers and problems. I'm not sure if the jump will work but I'm going to give it a try! My possible employers are also somewhat skeptical...but they're still interviewing me. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please?

The single indisputable fact that I have is that I am still unemployed. Regardless of my personal ruminations, that is the reality I am living with. However, I am blessed and thankful for the fact that I have a loving family and close friends who support me. Walking down the lonely road to the right job is something I must do myself - I've gone down that path many times Knowing that my sis, the kids and my friends are there to cheer me on...is not something I've *ever* experienced before. So this current chapter of jobseeking is brand new to me. I think that regardless of what happens, it will work out in the end. Maybe this is just me desperately trying to find solace in a dark time and the more cynical part of me tells me this is so. But...I have only recently discovered (through the changes in my life) something called hope. It leaves me vulnerable, yes. But I am no longer alone.

Life is worth living as long as there is hope.

Do feel free to thwap me via your regular channels if you think it's needed. :)

Freedom in restraint

When I was a small child, I used to look forward to family occasions like birthdays when my parents would get me a gift. Being a child, those moments come few and far in between.

When I graduated and got a good job, I finally had the financial wherewithal to get what I wanted. Not what I needed, mind - this was strictly a matter of wanting, not actual need.

Over time, I figured out that material gain doesn't equate to happiness, or at least permanent happiness, so I curbed my spending significantly. Now, being unemployed and all, the belt is tightened even more.

Back when I relied on my parents for financial support, a major element was anticipation. Sometimes, the weeks leading up to my birthday were the best. I've lost a lot of that over time, in the beginning because I could afford what I wanted and later on because I would figure out it's not worth getting it and the idea died stillborn. These days, the element of anticipation has returned but not in the same way. It has to do with doing more with less, so that when I *do* commit to a purchase, I know it's the best one I can make.

I'm on a minimal budget right now. One of the first and major effects is that it's forcing me to stop going to Starbucks. That alone has stopped me from vibrating in and out of phase during the day. The first couple of weeks were brutal...but I have escaped from the clutches of the Caramel Macchiato.

Secondly, it's making me consider even trivial purchases. In the past, if I'm out of pens, I'd just go and get one. These days, I have to consider the cost of it off my tiny budget. It's forced me to be more observant - which type of pen will last longer? Be more durable? More leak proof? Is this extraordinarily *ahem* anal-retentive behaviour? Yes and no. Sometimes we take for granted the small things. Remember that when you get a cheap Bic pen, someone had to have designed it years ago and that had consequences as to whether it was successful or not. It may not be important to us but it demanded at least one person's full attention at some time in the past. I rather like regaining my appreciation for good design. FYI, I settled on a Parker Jotter - it's been around for ages and they just don't design durable ballpoints (ugh) like that anymore.

Lastly, it's made me reexamine things I should have examined in the past. I'm not a big fast food fan but every now and then, I do nip into a food court to grab a bite to eat. Food portions have become ludicrously large and as a society, we have an obesity problem. Due to a constrained budget, I'm had to reconsider my actions and am now ordering off the kids menu. To my surprise, the portions are just right - I've found that the normal-sized serving is way too much. Plus, the prices are typically half that of normal orders. I've found I can have a filling (albeit fatty and unhealthy) lunch for just $2. Pricewise, you just can't beat that.

I will admit that I'm going overboard with my budgeting, that I really don't need to tighten the belt quite so much. We've been conservative with our finances and it has given us a buffer before we really have to batten down the hatches. Hopefully, knock on wood, I'll be employed soon and finances will be less of a worry. Regardless, I think I'll stick to my much smaller budget. It reduces waste, forces me to consider my spending more and it's good for the family. There really is more with less.

Alone in an imperfect world

My previous posting has generated some interesting discussion amongst my friends and I. Most of us have had some experience with online gaming, if we're not still online gamers to this day.

To be clear on this issue: no, I do not consider myself to still be an online gamer. Yes, I'm playing Tabula Rasa but it doesn't consume enough of my waking hours for it to be an obsession and I doubt it ever will. My last true online gaming experience was with Neverwinter Nights and that went bye-bye when the server my friends and I were playing on went kablooey. I'd love to get back into NWN but after a particularly nasty bit of WGA business, I now find that I'm missing the CD-Keys for HotU and SotU. Whee.

Anyhoo, the discussions I've had recently have led me to an interesting discovery, or at least a unique postulate: the isolation from online gaming is more detrimental to women than it is to men. There is no conclusion to this posting - it's merely a starting point for further discussion if you so desire.

Here's how I came to that conclusion, so bear with me as it'll take a while. We all live in an imperfect world with imperfect selves. When we go online to play, not only do we get a choice to act out our imagination on a more fantastic world that real life, we also get a chance to customize our online avatar that represents us in that game.

Look, we all have things we'd like to be better about ourselves. Some of us want to lose weight, be taller, be prettier, have more scars (don't ask - I didn't understand that part either), etc. This impacts men less than women because we tend to obsess and care more about personal appearances than men. This isn't anything bad - it's a cultural thing and it can be quite fun. Most of us learn to live with our imperfections. For example, I'd love to be able to wear white and blue well, and also be a tad taller not to mention slimmer. But I understand that these are not things I can fix easily if at all. So I learnt to live with it, as do other women with their little imperfections.

When I go online, I get to custom craft my character to be anyone she wants to be. Heck, if I wanted to, I can even cross gender lines and be a guy. The point is that not only does online interaction isolate us, it also seduces us on a different level by letting us wipe away all our imperfections at the Character Creation Screen. After a while, the online world with our perfect selves becomes more of a real home than real life itself.

I think everyone who has ever gotten into online games will know exactly what I'm talking about. It's difficult to disentangle ourselves from our perfect world - it becomes harder and harder to express ourselves in real life when we can be quite personable in our virtual worlds.

This is a problem. A big one.

When a woman loses her ability to cope with her imperfections, she tends to let herself go. I'm not saying it's right, but society isn't very tolerant of women like that. For better or for worse, our appearance matters more than it does to men.

We are seeing an increase in women gamers lately. In Japan, there are more female users of the Nintendo Wii consoles than there are male users and as such, Nintendo is shifting its marketing strategy away from traditional shooter/quest/platform games over to lifestyle apps like Wii Life, which lets you manage your diet and exercise.

I'm not sure what to think of this. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad. Maybe it'll force a big enough change in our cultures that the importance of appearances will be downplayed. I doubt that part though.

Alone in a virtual crowd

It's been quite a while since I played any online games but I got into the beta test for Tabula Rasa recently. It looks like a nifty online game, part shooter, part magic. I'm slowly leveling my character, knowing full well it's going to get wiped when the game is officially released later this month.

The thing with it is, even though it's multiplayer and even though it's online, I don't really see much of anyone else. Excepting as players who run around and never talk. Tonight, I got stuck in an area I couldn't figure out how to get out of. Lighting was poor and I wandered around trying unsuccessfully to get out. Finally, someone else wandered into my area. I sat patiently as he consulted some NPCs (probably doing a mission/quest) then I followed him, hoping he'd know the way out.

Good idea, right? Nope.

Turns out he's lost too. I followed him around for half a minute or so before it became obvious he's lost. I tried talking to him and he never responded. So I sat in the centre of the village watching with some amusement as he ran all over the place trying to find a way out. Eventually I saw him head into an area that's a cul-de-sac. He never came out, so I assume he logged off.

Multiplayer games are meant to be *multiplayer*, as in you are expected to talk to people, interact with them. This game doesn't seem to have that interactivity, which I think is a shame. Granted, it's still in beta and given that our chars are going to be wiped, I suspect people aren't getting too attached to their chars. Still...you'd think people would talk.

*sigh*

The Internet's made people more in touch with other folks globally but in doing so, we've lost a little of our humanity. I know so many people (myself included) who form fast friendships with people on the 'net that we've never met in real life. Our natural responses are dulled because the other party never sees or hears us. You don't believe me? When was the last time that you laughed as you typed "lol" into your instant messaging conversation? Why do I say we're losing our humanity? Well, because we're not all intellect - laughing, crying, emotional responses (as opposed to cyber-emotes) are all part of who we are. Given that most forms of electronic communication have no traditional cues in them, we're losing our ability to interact with other people as human beings. Why do you think smilies were invented? It's to encode an extra channel of communication during electronic messaging that acts like the context we get in a face-to-face meeting - smiles, frowns, anger, sadness, etc.

We already gather in virtual chat rooms and adventure together in cyberworlds. We are in touch with more people on a regular basis than before the Internet era. But that connection is incomplete; it's an intellectual connection. Our minds will touch...but we are still alone.

That's part of the reason why I'm rejecting telecommuting job offers. I need an office environment to survive. I need to see people. I need to see smiles and frowns, enthusiasm and boredom, happiness and anger. These are honest emotions. Not smilies.

Popular sci-fi was wrong. Technology will destroy us not through self-sentient robots or machines turning on us. It will destroy us by isolating us from one another.

If you have a chance, smile at someone. The way things are going, it may be the only smile s/he will ever get in the entire day. And that makes me sad.

Inside out

I've had quite a few interesting jobs in my career and for most of them, I've been your typical never-saw-sunlight software developers. Software developers are an interesting lot, if you didn't work in the industry. There's a lot of us with very diverse personalities. The majority of us relate quite well to technologies and computers.

When it comes to other people, most of us don't relate as well.

Programming takes a certain quality for one to be successful. Logical thinking, most certainly. Training, education, knowing the systems and languages you're operating on, definitely. But the best developers are the ones with that special spark of curiousity mixed in with anal-retentive attention to detail; these are the folks who can code themselves out of tight corners with seeming ease. They generally hit the ceiling at around senior developer or system architect. That's as high as they want to go and they make excellent money.

I'm not one of those people. I'd like to think I have some talent in that area to have survived thus far. While I may have extreme attention to detail, I'm really not all that motivated to spend sleepless nights poring over the nitty-gritty details of a system over and over again. I'd do it for a project, certainly. But I have no innate curiousity to do because I want to.

You see, I'm an accidental computer scientist. I actually *like* people and want to interact with them. I once took the Birkmann personality test for career guidance. I had a very unusual result in that I had not 3 dominant traits (the norm) but 6. The scorer mentioned that while I had an analytical mind, he felt that my strongest fields were where I worked with people. On the MBTI, I've always waffled between Introvert and Extrovert - the scoring difference between the two have always been just one or two points for me.

Which brings me to the present. I've been job hunting for 2.5 weeks now and all of the positions that I have interviewed with thus far have been for developer spots. Tomorrow's interview is a bit of a stretch for me: I'm going after a product manager position. Knowledge of the technologies involved is vital but I'm not going to be coding at all if I get this job.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've hit the career ceiling - I'm a senior developer. That's as high as I'll go unless I become a systems architect...or if I join the Dark Side and go into management, which is what a product manager is. I've been in various leadership positions in the past, topping out as a project manager. I had a lot of fun doing that. The highlights of my career have been quite evenly split between technical achievements (coding) and team management. If I step away from my core competency of coding, I may never ever be able to return to it and be stuck in managementland.

This is all quite premature, of course. I haven't got the job and tomorrow's just the 2nd round of interviews. Part of me is excited but most of me is scared stiff. Not because of the interview but because of the chance I may actually end up getting the job.

Transitioning between one state to another is never easy. Trust me on this one, I know. ;) I have no desire to become a system architect so either I enter management or learn to live with what I am now. I know I'll get frustrated if I stay as a senior developer, so management is the only way to go. Time to move the dial from Introvert to Extrovert once more.

But I'll miss coding dearly. :(

Flushing the cache

This is going to be a serious post and will probably be very confusing for those of you who do not know the whole story. If you get confused, my apologies.

As children we are allowed the whole range of emotions. We laugh, we cry, we love and we hate all with perfect innocence. As we grow and come to know more about the world, we start losing our innocence and our emotions start getting suppressed. This is needed for society to function - we cannot survive as a species if everyone gave in to their hatred or fear.

Crying is seen as a negative emotion. We are conditioned to not cry from an early age, that it solves nothing, that if we really wanted our parents could give us a real reason to cry (truly diabolical logic, that). I'm not sure I entirely agree that it solves nothing. I agree that it doesn't solve the root cause for the crying. But it does make one feel better. Something to do with crying triggering the release of endorphins.

For women, it's more socially acceptable to cry but not in public places. There are consequences if you cry at your workplace. But generally, we gals are cut some slack if we do cry. When we see a girlfriend in pain, we hold her close and cry with her. Does it solve anything? No, not really. What it does, however, is to let her know that she is *not* alone, that someone is willing to share her burden, to face the pain with her. It keeps us sane. The cathartic release, the shared experience...it bonds us together deeper than words can ever express.

I had to suppress a large part of my femininity for a long time to function in my environment. Succeeding in a hard scientific field where women are still rare even now carried a price, one that I didn't think long enough or hard enough on before making it. There is a perception, almost a norm in the sciences that femininity is weak and an undesirable trait. Women certainly the minority and stuck out like sore thumbs. I made compromises on who I was - a big mistake for which I am still paying for. I had to relearn how to cry recently and have since rediscovered an inner untouchable core of calmness and peace. Being able to cry is cathartic release. Gods, I'm glad I'm a gal.

For men, crying is a no-no in most circumstances. For a guy to cry at work...he might as well stick a "Kick me, I'm weak!" sign on himself. Men have backed themselves into a tight corner, IMHO. There is no cathartic release available. Men carry a lifetime of hurt with them. We often hear about male primacy and male dominance in our society, about how men run everything. We never really hear about the terrible cost they bear to keep the facade of a stiff upper lip. Good grief, it must be dreadful to have to somehow reconcile any troubles you have without help. All alone in your skull. Perhaps if you're lucky, you have someone to listen to you. Usually this is not an option though. Gals, remember this: do not take for granted the strong arms that embrace and comfort us.

To my dear male friends out there, I'm not asking you to learn to cry. I suspect the very thought is abhorrent to you. But...do consider not keeping it all in you. Find someone you trust to talk to instead of burying it deep inside. Find a release...uh, preferably a non-violent one. :) This will allow you to bend under stress instead of breaking. We often hear of the concept that if bad things happen, there's more than enough blame to spread around. But what if we looked at it slightly differently, from a positive viewpoint? What if your personal pain *is* meant to be shared but by those who love you enough to bear it with you, instead of your tormentors? Visiting pain and suffering within upon your enemies simply puts you into a vicious cycle that can't end well. Having someone who loves you enough to willingly walk with you through darkness...is something you will never forget.

I'm not doing a very good job of conveying the point but I have discovered that there is strength in vulnerability. And it has set me free.

Review: Elizabeth, the Golden Age

My sis and I took a delightful few hours off last Saturday to watch "Elizabeth, the Golden Age" at the local theatre. I don't think it's going to do very well - despite it being the day after opening, we were virtually alone in the big theatre. There was at most 10 of us there in a room with enough seating for 100+.

This movie covers the time when Elizabeth I was around 50 years of age, ending shortly after the conclusion of Drake's naval action against the Spanish Armada. Yes, it's still very much focused on the whole Catholics vs. Protestants angle but that reflected the politics of the time.

It was a good show, better paced than its predecessor. Through association with my sis, who is a world-class competitive costumer with international awards on her mantel, I have developed an appreciation for good period costume design. And this show has some truly beautiful costuming! We compared notes after the show was over and my sis was all abuzz with incorporating some of the designs into her future costumes.

Me, I'm just frustrated that because of the differences in skin shading, I can't wear over half the outfits in that show even if I wanted to. I wish I could wear blue and white. *sigh* Having said that...I'm completely won over by rich burgundy and cream, which *is* something I can wear. A nice period dress with huge hoopy gauze wing-like shoulder extensions and high Elizabethan collars - oh my! I'm still unsure if the attendant cost of having to stuff oneself into a corset to fit those impossibly narrow waistlines is really worth it though.

For the guys, in case you're bored/lost/don't care/already asleep from the previous paragraph, I think this sums it up quite well, yes?

Regardless, I'm going to have to get the sewing machine out and bug my dear sis into helping me make an Elizabethan dress for sci-fi/fantasy conventions once I'm employed again and have the cash to buy the materials and pattern. Given that the ladies of the court at the time required ladies-in-waiting to get dressed, there's definitely a design challenge to be overcome. Not only do I need to be able to dress unassisted, I also need to be able to still fit into the driver's seat of my car to get to the convention. The lower edge of the dress will require anti-static spraying prior to wearing or else it'll get filthy before I even step out the house. Most importantly, I have to remember to sew a small invisible pocket somewhere so I can stuff my keys and ID - Elizabethan women do not generally carry purses. Ah...the logistics of fashion! It'll be worth it though...

Costuming aside, little details were eating away at me as I watched the show. Once more, historical accuracy got tossed aside in favour of the storyline. I positively detested the fact that they took Sir Walter Raleigh's personal history and melded it with Sir Francis Drake's action at the Battle of Gravelines and the subsequent defeat of the Spanish fleet. That and the complete absence of fleet cohesion shown. It looked like the CGI department took a couple of ship models, cloned them like crazy and kaplonked them on a watery tableau. There was no hint of formations. None. I'm assured that they do move during a naval engagement unlike the bobbing in place with no lateral movement shown for most of that scene. Neither do ship captains have the luxury of conferring upon the flagship during a naval battle. I'm a little uncertain on this one, but the size of the cannons shown seemed wrong. However, they did get a lot of other things right, credit where credit's due. They also do engage each other at suicidally short range as shown. The English ships were mainly swift-moving frigate-like ships, roughly Golden Hind sized. The Spanish had mostly galleon-sized transports, which were entirely appropriate for a naval invasion of Albion. No Napoleonic-era ships of the line here - yay for some accuracy!

What? Simply because I'm a girl doesn't mean I've never studied naval history nor played Wooden Ships Iron Men or Close Action you know. :P

Cate Blanchett did a pretty credible job as the queen. Geoffrey Rush wasn't as dynamic as he was in the first movie but carried himself well enough. Clive Owen was quite dashing as Sir Walter Raleigh. Samantha Morton did flash her neck a lot - is there any wonder her gaolers wanted to do something about it?

All in all not a half bad movie despite the deliberate mangling of history. It was worth a full-priced ticket but not worth seeing again after that except on DVD. It's a Hollywood production but a restrained one (thank goodness!) - if you want a more historically accurate treatment of that era, please watch HBO's production of Elizabeth I starring Dame Helen Mirren.

Inner happiness

I'm very stressed out being unemployed. Yes, I still have severance to burn and I've got interviews (so far, knock on wood). I'm still stressed nonetheless by the whole uncertainty of it all, as to when I'll find another job and how much it pays.

It's affecting my family despite my best efforts. Both my sis and the kids know I'm stressed to the nines - there are hugs aplenty to take the edge away. Have I mentioned how fortunate I am to have such a family? I'm deeply touched by their love and caring. Without them I am lost. It doesn't mean I'm not stressed...but for the few precious heartbeats when I am in a hug, I know that I am safe.

Nightmares are not a fun thing. Their frequency has increased sharply since I stopped working. I had a good chat with my sis just a couple of hours ago. I have been a provider and protector of my family for so long that it's now an indelible part of me. Not having a job, not being able to provide for my family is causing me deep tangible pain. For those of you who are Asimov fans, this whole "getting laid off for the first time" episode has the enormity of a Seldon Crisis for me.

Having said all of that, I had a chance to step out today for a little bit of time with my friends. I got there, stepped out the car and froze as I saw myself in the reflection of one of the large windows. The sun was shining brightly, its gentle warmth hugging my shoulders. There was a slight breeze caressing and ruffling my skirt and legs. I was struck by a deep profound sense of rightness, that no matter what happened, things were going to be okay because I'm who I am.

I feel guilty for finding such inner peace and happiness. I've always been quite even in my emotions - if I'm stressed, I'm stressed all the way through and if I'm happy, I'm happy all the way through. I've never, ever had a core of inner happiness and calm before now. To be honest, I haven't a clue what to do about it. I feel deeply guilty that I'm happy given that I'm not a provider any longer.

But I can't forget the warmth of the sun, the caress of the wind and the quiet happiness of being just myself, nothing more and nothing less. So this is what it feels like to be normal. :)

An uncertain stand

Those of you who know me would have also probably heard about how I stuck by my division and quit in protest a decade ago now. At that time, the Canadian office that I was working in was being shut down and everyone was offered either a transfer with a full relocation package to another country or a severance package. Suffice to say, practically all of us took the relocation package and a few months after they had the chance to suck our brains dry, they closed the division and laid everyone off except us three project managers. It was a distinctly premeditatively evil act, getting folks to transfer to a foreign country, sucking their product knowledge from them then stranding them. My co-workers and friends who were laid off weren't being treated gently either - they were escorted off the premises by security guards and were told their belongings would be put in boxes outside the building at the end of the day. I was the only one of the product managers who quit, walking away from almost a quarter million dollars of stock options in the process.

At the time I was quite proud of my stance. Today, I'm not so sure - yes, I have a feel-good story to tell but wouldn't a quarter mil be better?

I had an extensive interview with a local company this week, multiple rounds of being poked and grilled. I was quite impressed with the setup until I got shown into the founder's office for a presentation on what the business model was. What I got shown is confidential and I'm not discussing it here. However, while they stand to make millions perfectly legally, what they're doing is morally ambiguous at best and outright wrong at worst.

I was quite shaken when I stepped out, both from the grilling and from the shock of knowing that these folks exist. I had a long chat with my sis who was very supportive of whatever I decided.

They responded today, letting me know I wasn't a good fit for them. I have to admit that while I'm a little depressed dealing with the whole rejection thing, a large part of me is glad that I didn't have to make a decision whether to accept or not.

I'm not saying that I'm Ms. Goody Two-Shoes - far from it. If my family were starving, I'd do business with the devil to get them fed. However, while my severance lasts, I have some freedom to make choices that I'm comfortable with.

My basic personal tenet is that whatever I do, I still have to be able to look myself in the mirror in the morning. If I had gone with these folks, I'd be questioning whether I can. I'm disappointed and depressed because I didn't get the job and it was a *cool* job - think of it as being akin to the officer who got to push the big red Fire button on the Death Star. Joking aside...I'm glad not to have to question my humanity.

To blog or not to blog

Thank you for your responses on the Sanity Defence post recently. To answer some of your questions:

1. No, this blog was created to let friends and family know what's going on in my life as well as that in my family (where appropriate and safe). If all else fails, the phone calls every now and then work quite well. After all, we're still in touch, aren't we?

2. No, I haven't started the other blog about my Condition. To cut a long story short, while I'm still helping other folks with my Condition out, I'm starting to move away from that community as the treatments take hold. I live a semi-normal life now, mostly free of pain. I intend to move and have a normal life soon.

3. No, I'm not going to blog about that - I know you're saying it in jest (and you know who you are, Mr. B) but kindly grow up.

4. Yes, I still journal. This blog isn't my journal. My journal is private and not accesible online.

5. No, I'm not going to start another blog on an unrelated topic. Too much like work. :)

In the final analysis, I'm going to provisionally plan for blog deletion around the Christmas hols, unless if I find this still contributes value.

Again, thank you all for your interest.

Thanksgiving 2007

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone for us Canadians. The kids are upstairs, snoring quietly with their bellies full of turkey. My sis is upstairs as well, proud that her turkey was delicious. Me, I'm just thankful that my side dishes didn't cause food poisoning and was edible. Two for two, yay!

It's weird - in previous years, I'd be all stressed out and definitively not thankful given that I've been laid off. Today, well...all I had to do was look around the dinner table at my family to continue knowing that I am still living in the blessed times.

I'm infinitely thankful that I still have my family and their love - that's all I truly need.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Sanity Defence

A dear albeit very literal-minded friend :) of mine asked a few days back as to when the "sanity" will be addressed in this blog, much less defended. A fair question, even though it was spoken in jest. Still, here goes...

The "sanity defence" is, of course, a play on the oft-abused insanity defence. In my case, given that I have the now often mentioned Condition, this blog is a venting as well as informational/communication conduit for my far-flung but precious friends.

The "sanity" part will get addressed as soon as I find any of it - don't hold your breath! Seriously though, those of you who have known me will probably have been taken aback when you found out I had the Condition and which course of treatment I have decided to take. If nothing else, this blog will reassure you of the fact that yes, I'm still the nutty eccentric anal-retentive friend you used to know. There are changes (of course) but hopefully for the better.

The "defence" part is not to plead for sanity but is exactly what the tagline says, to keep the everyday madness at bay. Let's not mince words - my life had not been normal by any stretch of the imagination. Paradoxically, it's far more normal now than it had been before I started treatment.

Which brings me to something I've been mulling over for some time now - this is addresed to the friends and family I had originally started this blog for. Is this blog really necessary any longer? I mean, I do call all of you at least twice a year to keep in touch. That's more effort than most of you put up - you know who you are! *grumble* If anything, I think it's getting obvious that this blog is approaching its end of life in terms of usefulness. Things are normal enough now that I can quite easily slip into the stream of everyday madness with nary a ripple.

I'll be keeping this up for a bit but I suspect I will cancel the blog around Christmas-ish. Sound good?

Relativistic schedules

Today is my first real day of unemployment, the date that my former company told me I was officially no longer needed because my facility had been closed. I had always assumed that unemployed people had huge gobs of time. I suspect that is still true for some folks. In my case, I'm finding that I have a heck of a lot to do now that I'm jobless as opposed to when I had a job - it's odd, my schedule this week is filling up quite fast.

I suspect that this is coming about because I'm pretty stressed out about it and have been packing my schedule with things to do in order to remedy that situation. If I'm not careful, I'm going to burn out...while unemployed.

Yes, you can actually overwork even when you're a jobless bum. Sad, isn't it?

Oh wait, what's missing from my schedule these days? Ah, right - I have no stupid meetings nor pre-meeting meetings (yes they do exist - no joke). Maybe *that's* why I'm more productive.

The market doesn't seem too great when looked at closely - there's tons of jobs out there but they're biased towards younger and less experienced developers who require lower salaries. It's quite depressing, really.

Ah well, time to continue the job hunt...