Inner happiness

I'm very stressed out being unemployed. Yes, I still have severance to burn and I've got interviews (so far, knock on wood). I'm still stressed nonetheless by the whole uncertainty of it all, as to when I'll find another job and how much it pays.

It's affecting my family despite my best efforts. Both my sis and the kids know I'm stressed to the nines - there are hugs aplenty to take the edge away. Have I mentioned how fortunate I am to have such a family? I'm deeply touched by their love and caring. Without them I am lost. It doesn't mean I'm not stressed...but for the few precious heartbeats when I am in a hug, I know that I am safe.

Nightmares are not a fun thing. Their frequency has increased sharply since I stopped working. I had a good chat with my sis just a couple of hours ago. I have been a provider and protector of my family for so long that it's now an indelible part of me. Not having a job, not being able to provide for my family is causing me deep tangible pain. For those of you who are Asimov fans, this whole "getting laid off for the first time" episode has the enormity of a Seldon Crisis for me.

Having said all of that, I had a chance to step out today for a little bit of time with my friends. I got there, stepped out the car and froze as I saw myself in the reflection of one of the large windows. The sun was shining brightly, its gentle warmth hugging my shoulders. There was a slight breeze caressing and ruffling my skirt and legs. I was struck by a deep profound sense of rightness, that no matter what happened, things were going to be okay because I'm who I am.

I feel guilty for finding such inner peace and happiness. I've always been quite even in my emotions - if I'm stressed, I'm stressed all the way through and if I'm happy, I'm happy all the way through. I've never, ever had a core of inner happiness and calm before now. To be honest, I haven't a clue what to do about it. I feel deeply guilty that I'm happy given that I'm not a provider any longer.

But I can't forget the warmth of the sun, the caress of the wind and the quiet happiness of being just myself, nothing more and nothing less. So this is what it feels like to be normal. :)