Keeping up with the Joneses

This past week hasn't been a good one for me. Those of you who know me well will also know that sometimes I can be a real PitA when my perfectionism and/or competitive streak is aroused. I've always been very definitively a Type A personality for a long long time.

See, in my previous job, not everything was happiness and sunshine. It was an unusual company in that as a startup (prior to it being bought), it was a motley collection of really bright individuals. As anyone who's worked in the industry will tell you, bright doesn't necessarily mean smart. Suffice to say that everyone I worked with had their own little quirks, some of which made them quite hard to get along with. This does not absolve me from having my own little antisocial quirks either, so I truthfully lump myself with them.

One of the key characteristics of senior staff is self-confidence. You have the education, you have the experience and therefore the impossible merely take s little longer. When I was laid off, I was worried but not too worried as the market was reasonably healthy. The unspoken (and rather arrogant) assumption that I had made was that I could probably land a job faster than some of the less savoury ex-coworkers. That has proven to be a fallacy. I just found out yesterday that the three least-agreeable ex-coworkers have landed jobs and are starting work next week.

Suffice to say, this has not sat well with me and it's been a painful journey. Have I been too smug? Have I not tried hard enough? Am I simply not as good as I thought I was? Am I still employable? Am I overqualified?

Had I been my previous self, I'd be devastated. My life revolved around my work...to a large extent it still does. I'd experience various emotions, none of which would be positive.

The thing is, this new revelation has forced me (yet again) to reevaluate what is important to me. Why am I blogging this? Well, one of the points of this blog is to communicate with far-flung friends and family - this entry will either confirm your mental model of me, or cause another one to form. Regardless, it is a way for me to keep in touch.

I had to first confront my arrogance of expecting to land a job before these other folks. Since when did it become a race? I haven't a clue. Realistically, whether they land a job or not has no relevance to me directly - this is a just a blow to my ego at worst. They're not really occupying the same niche as I am in the industry nor is there a "prize" to be won if I got a job first. So why do I feel hurt and vulnerable? Simple: pride. I saw myself as being somehow better than them. Not exactly a smart, positive, caring or even realistic attitude to take but one which I just automatically assumed to be true. Hmm...I guess some bits of my old life are still haunting me. Some soul searching and moral reevaluation needs to happen, I think.

Am I trying hard enough? That's a tough one to answer. Have I been too smug? I don't think so. I haven't been blasting out resumes to every possible job yet. I'm only applying to the ones I feel I can make a clear positive contribution if I got it. I haven't really been lacking in interviews either - this past week was the only one that I didn't have any interviews at and that was partly by choice (I have my coursework to deal with) and because the poor interviewer was running for his flight and had to reschedule. I figure that maybe stepping up the effort may be in order soon...but I can look myself in the mirror and say that I have given it an honest effort. The worst thing I can do is to land a job that I'll hate - I think that's worse than being unemployed, at least while my severance lasts.

Am I simply not as good as I thought I was? Am I still employable? Equally tough questions. I honestly don't know if I'm as good as I think I am. I wish I could say yes. But I think the truthful answer is that it depends on the job. I may be very good in my areas of expertise but be abysmal at other things. I *think* I'm still employable. Leastways, I'm getting interviews at a roughly 50/50 ratio to things I'm sending out.

Am I overqualified? This is the painful one to answer. There are loads of jobs out there for juniors and intermediates. The jobs that my ex-coworkers landed? They're all junior or intermediate positions, hence my claim that we don't occupy the same niche. I have a clear idea of what I expect for compensation and I don't think it's unreasonable. But companies seem to prefer hiring more cheaper developers than a single senior one. I may have to readjust my salary expectations soon...but I really really hope not to.

Those of you who know me personally know that I left a lot of things behind earlier this year. During that time, not everyone was understanding of my situation - my city is a big city but a small town, if you know what I mean. Everyone knows everyone. When I lost my job, I sent out little feelers to my contacts in the industry. So far, none of them except for two have even bothered returning my calls. This is a radical change from before and as much as I am trying to find another reason for it, I think it has to do with me leaving my previous life behind. I think I'm finally running into the full consequences of that event. It's quite demoralizing to find what my "friends" really think of me when push comes to shove post-event.

I hate to bring this up but the whole "industry discriminates against women" thing has also been mentioned by a few friends of mine. I know the industry discriminates against women. I just never thought it'd happen to *me* - I'm still not sure I buy it. If it's true, then my disbelief is very much a stupid stick-head-in-sand attitude, isn't it? The numbers are there and I think the discrimination is genuine. I'm just trying not to go down that path. Once I start believing, truly believing that I'm being discriminated upon, I'm not sure I can ever recover from that. So I am choosing to ignore this possibility. Time will tell if if I'm right or wrong.

Complicating things further is that I'm trying to transition over to being a manager than a developer. Yes, I've done this before this time, I'm hoping to make it a permanent transition. It's hard to step away from the things I've worked for so long at. But...I'm finding that I prefer to work with people a lot more than just computers and problems. I'm not sure if the jump will work but I'm going to give it a try! My possible employers are also somewhat skeptical...but they're still interviewing me. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please?

The single indisputable fact that I have is that I am still unemployed. Regardless of my personal ruminations, that is the reality I am living with. However, I am blessed and thankful for the fact that I have a loving family and close friends who support me. Walking down the lonely road to the right job is something I must do myself - I've gone down that path many times Knowing that my sis, the kids and my friends are there to cheer me on...is not something I've *ever* experienced before. So this current chapter of jobseeking is brand new to me. I think that regardless of what happens, it will work out in the end. Maybe this is just me desperately trying to find solace in a dark time and the more cynical part of me tells me this is so. But...I have only recently discovered (through the changes in my life) something called hope. It leaves me vulnerable, yes. But I am no longer alone.

Life is worth living as long as there is hope.

Do feel free to thwap me via your regular channels if you think it's needed. :)